I'm Not Who I Think I Am
by Simply Emotional
Summary: What happens when Light and Kira are fighting for control of the same body? Self harm becomes a usual part of Light's routine, and suicide weighs heavily on his mind, trying to kill himself before he can kill L. L begins to notice these changes.
1. Chapter 1

This is my second attempt at a fan fiction, and I hope this one is better, I personally like how this one turned out so far, though it is sorta short right now, it should get longer! ^_^

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I never have, and I never will. I do however, own this fan fiction of it. XD It makes me feel professional. ^_^

Anyways, on with the story!

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Chapter 1: I'm Not Who I Think I Am

The darkness wore on me, consuming me. I thought I had found shelter in my own mind, that I could create boundaries, set goals for myself deep in my subconscious. I thought that I could remain as Light Yagami, that Kira was another person far underneath, that I could hide the real me. What a fool I was. For years, I was in a position in which I hid myself. Everyone smiled, talked to me, figured I was just some normal honor student, but it hurt. It hurt to know that sanity was running away from me, that insanity was pushing through my mask, changing my smile, my habits.

Blood covered my body, showering me in the red liquid that I knew my heart so badly craved. In the darkness that consumed me like a temperate storm, I found myself consumed in hate. I hated L. I hated the world. Though in the end, the thing I hated the most, was myself. Bodies laid against the wall, stacked to the heavens, covering the world with the smell of copper and burned skin. This was my world, a world I had made, a place that was a sanctuary for the innocent. Everywhere I looked though, there was no one; no one left that was innocent. Everyone was evil, their deeds disguised as mistakes, as something forgivable.

Placing my hand against the cover, I felt the blade slice through my skin, the words coming to life, spreading across my palm. "Die." I heard it whisper, "You're the biggest killer of them all." No. That wasn't right! I'm the God of the new world! The one who made the crime go away. A girl stood a foot away from me, close enough that her blood-coated tongue could reach my ears. "You'll die, Light Yagami. That is your destiny, for trying to become something you never could." Screaming, I woke up to my own screaming. Dreams were the only thing that kept me attached to the old Light Yagami. The fact that dreams like that scared me was the only innocent thing left, the only thing left of the old me.

Recently, I was lead to believe that this world was rotting. One person tried to change that, one person made an indent in the shell I so often wore. "The chiming of bells." I heard him whisper as we stood on the rooftop, the wind coursing through our hair, spinning the detectives wildly out of control. "What would you do if I jumped?" He asked, and I found myself pondering the question. 'I'd let him die.' My brain thought instantly, and I smiled at the conclusion. I wanted him to die, wanted him to jump. "You have no reason to do that, L." I mumbled, but I saw him shake his head. "Kira will kill me, soon enough."

Pushing myself up from my bed, I looked out my window, the sun rising slowly in the horizon. "You'll die…" The voice echoed in my head, reminding me of my fear, the constant nagging of my anxious insanity. So badly it wanted to be in control, so badly it tried to pry my sanity away from me. Walking towards the bathroom, my laughter echoed in my ears. Why was I laughing? Only Kira would know the answer to that question, not me. I was too far-gone to control what I did anymore. "Kill me? Really?" I heard myself laughing, and I entered the bathroom, walking towards the shower, discarding myself of my clothes that in my eyes, were coated with the blood of my victims.

Stepping into the shower, I let the water cascade around me, cleansing me of the sticky feeling sweat made on my skin. I breathed in the scent of strawberries, a shampoo I had come to love, a scent I had become addicted to. I continued to turn the knob, making the water warmer to the point where it burned my skin, wanting to relieve myself of the pain of how dirty I felt. In my mind, I wanted to die, but Kira would never let me, not when he was in control. "Give it back." I whispered, and heard myself laughing. "Never." He had won again, today was one of his days, he controlled the mind while I controlled the body.

After getting myself dressed, I covered the burns on my arms with my long sleeved shirt, disposing of the bloody clothes I had worn that night. I found that in my nightmares, I would scratch at my neck, trying to kill myself was I wasn't conscious, while Kira couldn't stop me. Opening the door, I walked down the long dark hallway, using my hand to lead the way. The lights weren't on yet which meant either no one was up, or that L hadn't even bothered. Most likely the second one.

"Light is up early." I heard the voice echo once I reached the main investigation room, and I grunted, sitting down on the couch, keeping my turtleneck sweater in place, covering my claw marks. "I suppose so." I muttered, hating small talk. I didn't like talking much anymore, my voice didn't sound like mine, it was someone else's. "Recently, you look very tired, Light. Are you getting enough sleep?" Always prying into someones life, aren't you L? "Yes, Ryuzaki. I'm getting enough sleep, thank you very much." I said rather boredly.

"Hmmm." L hummed, but returned his attention to his beloved computer screen. My day consisted of helping Ryuzaki with the Kira investigation, hiding myself from prying eyes, and drinking coffee, a drink that I had recently become strongly addicted to. 'I need to find a way to kill him.' I thought, and then I argued with myself. 'No I don't.' My mental battle must have lasted a long time, because I was disturbed by L clearing his voice. "You don't look okay, Light. You seem to be distant today." I smile my secret Kira smile. "Of course not, Ryuzaki. I'm perfect as I am everyday." My words seemed arrogant even to my ears.

"Light is not perfect, no matter how many times he says so." I laugh, "Keep telling yourself that, Ryuzaki." I murmured, looking at the ground. Ryuk laughed behind me, his wings making an annoying flapping sound. "You can't hide from him forever, Light." I smiled in my mind, 'Of course I can.' There goes the arrogance again. My mind told myself it was only natural to be that way, that that was what I had always been like. I wasn't sure though, I wasn't sure about anything anymore. Confused, I felt double crossed by myself, my thoughts mixing together into two different forms. Maybe one day I would decide to give up and let Kira win. That day didn't feel long off, but I knew, at least for today, I could hold onto the reality of me being Light Yagami. Only Light, and nothing more.

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Well, I hope you like it! This is my second shot so please review, I hope you enjoy the story and I Will try to update regularly. Thank you for reading! XD


	2. Chapter 2

YAY I updated! Thank you all so much for your wonderfull reviews, they made me giggle with joy! ^_^ Anyways, here is the next chapter, I hope it will continue to make you interested in the story! I try my best! XD

Disclaimer: I still don't own Death Note, and sadly never will...*Grumble*

On with the story!

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Chapter 2: Suspicion

The dreams kept happening at a constant rate, echoing in my head. I couldn't sleep anymore, I was too afraid, too terrified of what I would become if I did. Could a dream kill someone? I wasn't going to take the chance. I looked up at the ceiling of the dark room, feeling myself corned even in this large space. I had concluded one thing, I was never safe anymore. Everywhere I went I felt like I wasn't there, like there was something else trying to pull me apart. Fear was my constant companion, and today it wanted to be in charge.

Pulling myself into a sitting position, I watched the door, my eyes tracing ever crease in its frame. There were small claw marks on the bottom of the door, something I had found myself doing when I was bored and alone. So, alone. My body was cold, small trickles of sweat running down my forehead from the intensity of my anxiety. It had been a month since this had started, since the nightmares had become more frequent. No, frequent wasn't the right word, incessant, now that suited them better. I placed my hand at my neck, pulling my nails down the skin, tearing into it. God, just let me die.

I found that at this time of night, or early morning, whatever it truly was, I was the most in control. I couldn't hear the other voice in my head, the one that tried to cover me in darkness. This was the time that I could try to force it out, try to rip it out of my soul with my own hands. With Light Yagami's hands. I hadn't eaten much in the last month, my stomach growling, but to me I wasn't hungry. If I fed Kira, he would be stronger, and that was something I couldn't afford. The Death Note sat, cold and untouched on the edge of the bed. Every time I touched it, he would come back, and it hurt so bad that I would scream. It was at times like that, that I thanked L for the sound poof room, and the bed that could handle how much I tried to destroy it when I was angry.

Yet again, it was at times like this, that I prayed L was never there. I didn't need him asking questions, trying to speak to me, to tell me I was Kira, I knew that already. I didn't need the world to remind me of my sins, I had far too many. Most of all I didn't need my mind to lie to me. I've experienced too many lies, told too many, that now I thought I was immune. I knew I wasn't. My whole life was built on a string of lies, carefully placed webs, hidden traps. Lately though, they've been disappearing, cut down by the people around me, and now…now I don't know how to put them back up. That was Kira's job, not Light's, and nothing I did could change that.

Blood coated my hand, the scent of the crimson liquid filling the air, and I brought it to my nose, inhaling deeply. It entered my brain, stirring the monster from its slumber as it laughed vividly, scaring me as it started to take control. I placed my hand on my lap, rubbing the blood on my pants, my breath catching in my ears. Blood was what Kira liked most, I knew that, and yet I loved it too. That was the only thing that we both enjoyed, that we both had in common. The scent of blood was all to alluring. Even to my mind, my unstable insane mind, I couldn't deny it.

Walking into the bathroom, I stared at my face in the mirror. Honey eyes met mine, and I winced, closing them. When I opened them, only red orbs stared back, reflecting my other side. I scratched at my chest, and when I winced in pain, the red seemed to disappear. It was pain that made it go away, that made the insanity seem a little bit farther. Maybe that was my new way of existing. I cleaned up the mess, yet long scars ran across my throat and my chest, leaving me with an eerie remembrance of events from the not so forgotten past.

It was midnight, and I knew that L would still be awake. I honestly didn't want to talk to him, but I needed to get out of the room. The scent of blood was just too strong. Creeping down the hall, I sat down at my usual couch. The room was dimly lit by the computer screen that L was staring at, his fingers typing away at the keys. "You seem to be up late." L said, a statement that sounded almost smug. "Yes." I answered, not sure if he expected me to. "Why?" He finally asked after a long silence. "I'm not tired is all." We both knew that was a lie. I had seen myself, the large black bags under my eyes that looked almost identical to the ones L always had under his. "I see." L said, turning to look at me, analyzing my face. My frame was thinner as well, my cheeks slightly hallow from the lack of nutrition.

L popped a gummy bear in his mouth as he turned back to the computer skin. "Would you like one?" He asked, and I shook my head. He seemed to acknowledge me, but I didn't know if he had even heard me as he continued typing away. I felt at peace, listening to the constant sound of his fingertips hitting the keyboard. I closed my eyes for a second, and before I could stop myself, the claws of sleep pulled me under the burning water.

I could see them, they're faces as they were pushed under. Murdered, drowning, screaming into the water they were submerged in. "Save my baby!" I heard mothers screaming, fire surrounding the air they breathed. This wasn't my doing, I never did this, so why…? "Light!" I heard a voice calling to me while I lay at the bottom of the ocean, staring up at the many faces of the bodies that laid on their stomachs, floating along like a human canoe. "Light!" I heard the voice yell again, and my eyes shot open, the end of my scream echoing in my ears. L stood in front of me, his hands on my shoulders, holding me together. "Ryu…zaki…what?" I asked, calming my breathing as I looked into his dull eyes. "Are you okay?" He asked, his voice sounding almost concerned.

"Why wouldn't I be?" I asked him boredly, staring at her pale feet. "You were screaming." He stated, analyzing my face. "Just a nightmare I all." I brought my hands to my face, looking them over. At least I hadn't clawed at my throat while he was around. "Is that why you haven't been sleeping?" I shook my head, "I don't know what you mean, I'm sleeping just fine." I whispered, yawning. "Speaking off sleep, I'm going to go get some." I lied through my teeth, walking towards the open door of the investigation room. "Light…" I heard him start, but I left before I could hear anymore. I checked my clothes, making sure I hadn't shown any scars or cuts, and made my way back into my room.

That morning I walked out into the investigation room, looking over at the Task Force. Dad sat in a chair, lazily watching a video feed while the rest of them talked about some new murder. Sighing, I plopped down on the couch, looking around at everyone. Today wasn't one of his days, today I was more in control, though I could still hear him laughing. "Light, want some breakfast?" Matsuda asked, trying to get me to eat. "No thanks, I'm not hungry." I mumbled, sipping my cup of coffee. "All I ever see you have is coffee." He whined, but I simply grunted, ignoring his puppy dog eyes. "I'm going to go to the store today." Everyone's eyes turned to me, looking at me as If I had admitted I was going blind.

"Really, Light?" Dad said, and I nodded, standing up. "Of course." Obviously, I hadn't left the building in weeks, so to them this was some sort of new behavior. "I'll see you later." I said, ready to leave, but a small voice stopped me in my tracks. "I'm going too." L said, standing up from his usual sitting position on the chair. His horrible posture made me wince, but I hummed boredly, glancing up at the ceiling. "Really Ryuzaki? I'm just going to the grocery store, there is no reason to suspect anything different." I heard him laugh, "I simply want to get some strawberry cake." The way he said it and the facial expression he made with those big panda eyes almost made him look cute. Almost.

Once we were in the store, I reached up to get some bread of the second shelf, and felt my sleeve roll down my arm slightly. L stood a foot away, staring at my wrist, and I cursed as I quickly grabbed the bread, pulling my sleeve down. "Damn it, why are the shelves always too high? They make us shorter people seem like we're midgets." I said quickly, trying to changes L's train of thought, but his eyes were glued to my arm. "Light, why are there scars on your arm?" I smiled, "I don't know Ryuzaki, you tell me." I said simply walking towards the check out counter.

L grabbed my arm, holding me in pain. "Light, answer my question." I turned, looking into those black eyes that held an emotion I couldn't identify. "No." I said simply, and that was the end of our conversation as we made our way back to the investigation building. That day was the last day I was ever fully in control, and it was all because L's touch had burned so badly, it had left scars of it's own.

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Well there you go! I hope you like it, and once again, thank you for reviewing and reading! *Hands Cookie*


	3. Chapter 3

Yo, I'm back! I hope you like this new chapter, it's slightly creepy, but you get to see more of Kira! ^_^

Disclaimer: I still don't own Death Note! *Cries*

On with the story!

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Chapter 3: Decisions

Days went by as usual, well as usual as things could get. I didn't sleep, didn't eat, and simply wanted to wither away. Kira was getting weaker and weaker, I could feel it in my bones. He stopped laughing; I couldn't hear it echo in my head much anymore. Though under all of it, I could still feel him there, his desire to kill L, my desire. No, it wasn't mine, not anymore. The nightmares continued, shadowing me in a strange sense of fear. I was afraid, afraid to die; afraid to be killed like the criminal I knew Kira was. Though, I wasn't Kira, was I?

L glanced over at me from his laptop, watching my every move. Ever since our trip to the grocery store two weeks ago, it seems that's all he does anymore, and personally, it freaks me out. It's almost as if he can see through my mask, my guard, my clothes. It's as if he knows who I am, knows I'm struggling, and it terrifies me. He's there, in my nightmares, watching me with the cold emotionless eyes. I would scream, terrified, waking up to the dark room that I 'slept' in every night. Like I could ever sleep. Recently, it felt as if pain was my only friend, the only one that would believe me when I said I wasn't who everyone thought I was, I wasn't a killer. Kira would laugh. He would mock me as I stared into his eyes when I looked into the mirror in the morning. He would taunt me when I got dressed and my scars were exposed, but most of all, that horrible laughter was most common when I was sitting beside L.

I stood in the small kitchen, ignoring L's sweets as I sipped my coffee casually, L standing beside me. "Light, you never eat anymore." I glanced at him from the corner of my eyes, sighing. "Of course I do, Ryuzaki." I mumbled, and he lifted up a strawberry with his pale long fingers. "Eat it, Light." He said, as if challenging me. Falling for this stupid game, I grabbed the strawberry, chewing it slowly. There was some sort of drug in it, there had to be, and soon enough I found it, a sleeping pill. Very clever Ryuzaki, but not clever enough. "See, I ate it." The sleeping pill was under my tongue, hidden by prying eyes that wanted to make sure I had swallowed it.

"Did you Light-Kun?" He asked, and I nodded, turning my back to him as I coughed into my hand, the pill landing in between my fingers. "I eat all the time." I muttered, watching him as his eyes analyzed me, looking me up and down, and I covered my thin frame with my arms. "Seriously, I wish you wouldn't harass me." L's eyes immediately darted up to my face. "You're dying, Light." He said simply, without a hint of doubt in his voice. "That isn't nice to tell someone, L." I said the letter with malice, glaring at him. I couldn't take this, not today. "Interesting." I heard Ryuk laughing behind me, driving my madness.

"Stop it…" My voice echoed in my ears, and L looked up at me. "What?" He said, surprised my response. "Nothing." Walking out of the kitchen, I headed down the hall to my sanctuary, to the only place that felt half safe to me anymore. I was never safe; I knew that, no one could ever hide from themselves. Slamming the door, I sat at the edge of the bed, holding my head in my hands. My tears burned like flames as they ran down my hands, my arms. I laughed as I cried, Kira pushing its way through, smiling at my weakness. "You're going to die." I heard the girl say again, and my body started to shake. "You're dying, Light." I heard L say in harmony, and I shook my head, denying it. I wasn't going to die, Kira was going to die, he was finally going to leave me alone.

I fell back, and my hands met the notebook that I hadn't touched in weeks. It burned, my hands catching fire, and I screamed, rolling onto my side. No matter how much it burned, Kira wouldn't let me put it down, he wouldn't let me throw it on the ground like I so desperately wanted. "You're so weak." I heard my own voice say, betraying me, sending me to the depths of my insanity. I laughed wildly, howling in laughter as I opened the Death Note, pencil in hand. I began to write down the names I had seen that day, giggling like a child as I did so, my eyes flashing with tears as I strained against myself. "Don't cry." Kira whispered in my head, "You know what you're doing is right." I shook my head, "Stop…" Images flashed through my head, and I continued writing, trapped in my own mind.

Pushing the thoughts out of my head, I brought the pencil up to my arm, scratching down the side of my wrist, crying out in pain. I needed to stop myself; I couldn't write anymore, I just couldn't. Blood ran down my wrist, staining the pages of the Death Note with that intoxicating red liquid. No, I had just made the monster all the more excited. Standing up, I rushed towards the bathroom, allowing my hand to drip the crimson gold into the white sink. I reached my hands up, tangling them in my hair, clutching my head, scrapping it with my nails. 'Get out of my head!' I yelled at myself mentally, silent screams rushing out of my mouth as I hit my head against the wall. There was no noise other than the constant thumping and small sobs that wracked my body.

It was sickening, the noise of blood dripping onto the ground, those images flowing through my brain. The girl was there again, as I sat against the wall, crimson tears flowing down my cheeks. "You're horrible, Light-kun. You killed so many people, you're going to die." I screamed, burying my face in my arms. The sound proof walls seemed as thin as glass to me, and I didn't want to make more noise than necessary. Suddenly, I felt sleep overcome me as I sat there, bloody, screaming, writhing on the floor. Sleep, why did it seem so far away?

"Damn it…L…" I muttered. There was another pill in the strawberry than the one I had found. I knew it. My crimson eyes slipped shut, my body shutting down, as I lay limp on the alabaster floor. Dreams, there were none, just the terrifying darkness, and the sound of dripping blood consuming me. I felt strong arms wrap around me, pulling me somewhere, speaking in a low-pitched voice, a voice that only served to drive me more insane. Blood, it was in my mouth, in my hair, my eyes. It was everywhere, the scent driving me crazy. Insane laughter echoed in my lungs, spreading through my vocal cords and out my mouth as the arms continued to pull me along. "I get to die, I finally get to die." I could feel it, in the deepest part of my heart that this person was smiling. "As you wish, Light-kun."

That was the last thing I heard before my eyes opened to the white ceiling of the bathroom, blood still around me, cold tears sticking to my face mixed with the sweat. It had all been a dream, L didn't know, and hopefully he never would.

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Well there ya go! I hope you like it! ^_^ L and his sleeping pills! Shame on L! XD Anyways, please review so that I know what you think, and any critisism if necessary!


	4. Chapter 4

Yo everyone, it's me again! I updated really quickly huh? Personally I don't like this chapter, I beleive that it was far too fast paced, but that's my personal opinion. I wrote it while I was at school, so I was slightly distracted, and I probobly should have been doing work...but you know...school can be very boring! ^_^

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note, and I never will!

Again, I apologize if this chapter is too fast paced, I might just delete it later, and edit it to better suit the pace of the story!

Anyways, on with the story!

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Chapter 4: Playing The Part

I don't know what it was that made me sit out on the deck, I guess it was possible that I was bored. Boredom was something that Kira knew well, I would know, he told me everyday. The sun felt good on my skin and I closed my eyes, basking in the warmth that was reality. My peace ended as I glanced, seeing L watch me from where he stood on his balcony. "You were very noisy last night, Light." L said, and my mask faded slightly, showing slight panic.

"The room may be soundproof, but physical attacks to the wall do echo." I winced, "I fell out of bed." Lies, something Kira loved. "Many times?" I nodded, "Yes." He watched me, and I turned to walk back inside, my wrist still sore. "I hope you are telling the truth, Light-kun." Grunting, I got myself ready, brushing my hair and teeth. I refused to look in the mirror, for I knew he would be there. Laughter filled my ears, Ryuk hovering over me. "How annoying." I muttered, walking out of the room. The Task Force stared at me as I walked in, but I simply ignored it.

There was butter and bread sitting out on the table. Leaning over, I picked up a piece, sniffing it. The Task Force looked at me as if I was a wild animal eating out of their hands. Sighing, I bit off a piece and as soon as it touched my tongue, I felt Kira stir. His laugh echoed in my mind, setting my soul on fire. Setting it down, I hid my eyes behind my hair, hiding the insanity that was displayed within them. "You okay, Light?" Dad asked, and I nodded, not saying a word.

I smiled though, peering over as L entered the room, staring from me to bitten piece of bread. "Don't like it, Light?" He asked, and I sighed. "No, I do not, Ryuzaki." L gave me a curious glance, walking over to sit down next to me in his usual style. "Kira wouldn't like butter bread either." He murmured, placing chocolate syrup on his bread. That was it, that was all I could take. "How the hell do you make that deduction! I'm not Kira! Boku wa Kira janai!" (Meaning: I'm not Kira!) I yelled, switching to Japanese, cursing as loud as my lungs would let me. I hadn't realized it before, Kira was seeping through the cracks.

I laughed, sounding insane to my own ears. "I can't believe you L…always trying to tick me off, always using every ounce of your power to make others suffer! You're going to…" I stopped, backing away slightly. "Sorry, I lost my calm there." L was watching me, unanswered questions in his eyes. "I'm going to…what, Light?" 'Die' I mentally added, but I smiled cruelly. "Catch Kira, L. you're going to catch Kira." Turning around, I walked off down the hall, feeling my cheeks start to burn with hate. How dare he continue accusing me!

"Something is wrong with, Light." I heard L say as I stood quietly in the hallway. "Of course something is wrong with him! He looks like a walking skeleton!" Dad said in a harsh tone. "On the bright side, he wont have to get a Halloween costume." Matsuda added in sheepishly, and everyone sighed. "Cut it out, this is serious!" Aizawa added in, and L hummed. "Yes, I suppose it is. I believe, Light, is trying to kill himself." L said softly, and they gasped. "Why would he do that?" Matsuda asked, though everyone else knew. "Light-kun is obviously stressed, I believe that for his benefit, we should move head quarters to somewhere…more comfortable..." Dad cut in, "Like where?"

L smiled, "Somewhere like Britain, a simple vacation is all he needs." I hissed deep in my throat. A vacation! How will that help me? I cursed as I walked into my room, throwing myself on my bed, hearing it creak awkwardly as I did so. I buried my face in my pillows, leaving wouldn't help me, it would just give Kira more pleasure. Pushing myself up, I walked into the bathroom, forgetting the mirror was there as I went to grab a washcloth. Looking up, I stared into wide crimson eyes, insanity looking back at me. "Stop it!" I screamed, hitting the mirror as hard as I could with my fist. Glass shattered, echoing in the room, getting through the thick walls. Glass stuck to my face, my hair, my body.

I didn't care though, this pain made me feel real, it was as if at that moment it was the only thing that existed. My hand was mangled, blood pouring onto the floor, and I brought it to my face, letting it coat my vision in a vibrant red. The taste of copper filled my mouth, and I craved it, so I bit down, drinking my life like the monster I knew I was. I felt a pale firm hand grab my wrist, pulling my lifeline away from me, and I turned my crimson-coated eyes to stare into dark black voids. No, L.

This had to be a horrible dream, L was here, it was just like my nightmares. "What are you doing, Light?" He asked, his voice holding more emotion than usual. I choked slightly, coughing, my from shaking. I was dragged out of the bathroom, away from the jagged glass that gave me life. "No." I whispered, trying to pull back. "Light-kun might hurt himself worse if he stays in there." L said sternly, pulling me to lean against the bed. His touch on my bloody hand made me flinch viciously, ripping it away from him. "Light, you need to stay still so that I can help you." I shook my head, "No! He'll come back!" I screamed at him, and watched as his eyes widened.

"Who is, 'he', Light?" L pulled my arm towards him, pushing the sleeve up. He looked almost surprised for a moment, but his eyes narrowed. "What have you been doing, Light?" I said nothing, just kept my eyes closed, hoping it was a horrible dream. His finger ran along one deep scar on my upper arm, and my eyes shot open, the horrible crimson returning to my eyes. "Leave me alone! Leave me alone! Leave me alone! Leave me alone…" I repeated, wanting this madness to end.

I remember that, that day was the last day I every thought of L as a human being. After that day, he took my sanity away, and all the walls I built around myself disappeared. That was the day that I lost everything to Kira, he took over, and I've never been able to find myself again, in the end it was all because of that simply gothic letter. L.

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Well, there you go! I'm sorry for this disgrace of a chapter...*Sighs* It'll be better next chapter, I promise, but we can all agree that Matsuda can be an idiot sometimes...^_^


	5. Chapter 5

Hi everybody! I'm back! Thank you for the reviews and collections for that sucky chapter, but hopefully this one makes up for the last ones patheticness. L gets kind of creepy I should say in this chapter, and we see alot more of the insane Light, so I hope you enjoy Kira-kun as much as I do. For some reason I love saying it, "Kira-kun, Kira-kun!"

Disclaimer: I still do not own Death Note, if I did, Light would have probably been even more insane. ^_^

On with the story!

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Chapter 5: Unwanted Events

I sat, feeling a horrid realization seeping into me, filling me with a strange sense of nostalgia. I've been here before; I've been through this before. My arms tied behind my back while Kira laughed wildly in my ears. Yeah, I've been here before. Bars sat in front of my face, cornering me in the small white cell I was placed in, wicked laughter mixing in with my aura of panic. I couldn't smell the blood anymore, and I whined at the loss of the thing I needed most, the one thing I couldn't live without. Glancing up, I smiled at the camera, Kira wanting to laugh in L's face, wanting him to see just how much he controlled me.

L watched me, I knew, always there every minute of every day. I could feel his panic though, somehow from within the cell. My ears searched for the voices that whispered in the darkness, cruel and evil things. I moved my hands around, allowing the cuffs to cut into the skin at my wrists, needing to feel the pain to make it all go away. Chaos. That was the only word to describe this. The Death Note, I had given it to Ryuk to have Misa hold it while I was detained. That's what I told myself anyway, that's what Kira told me.

He stood in front of my cell later that day, his coal like eyes staring into mine. L must have not seen anything in them, and if he did, it was Kira and only Kira. "Light, what have you been doing to yourself?" He asked repeatedly, but I said nothing, unable to gain control of my voice. "Kill me…" I managed to say once he was leaving. "Just…kill me…" L turned to me, his emotionless eyes boring into my soul. "I cannot do that, Light."

Convulsions erupted from the core of my body, throwing myself against the wall as my chest heaved. Kira was back; he wanted out, he wanted control. I hit my back against the wall, creating bruises that would never disappear, memories that would haunt me for the rest of my life. I laughed as I threw myself against the wall, how low I was, to think that I've fallen so low. "Stop it, Light!" I heard a voice echo from the small camera, but I just continued laughing. "Don't you see, Ryuzaki? He'll be back soon! He'll be back!" I taunted, giggling insanely as I did so. "Kill him while you have the chance." L knew I was talking about Kira, somewhere deep down he was trying not to say it, trying not to lose his fake façade of a friend.

"Light you need to calm down, and listen to me!" I shook my head, "What is there left to tell me? What could there possibly be that I don't know?" I shouted, throwing my insanity into the camera as I glared at him. "I care about you, Light." My voice stopped then, my breath hitching. This was L, he wasn't human, he just couldn't care. "Stop lying, L!" I screamed, falling down the wall, to place my face on my knees. "Stop lying." L helping Kira, no he wanted to help Light, but that was wrong.

"That isn't right!" I yelled again, tears filling my eyes. "Why would you help him? Why…?" I shouted over an over, glaring at the ground, wishing I could burn holes into it. "Help who, Light? I need to hear you say who it is." I laughed while I cried, Kira smiling insanely while I continued to sob, the laughs cracking in half way up my throat. "You already know, L. Why else would he want to kill you?" I knew L was taken aback by that due to the long pause that followed after. "Light…are you admitting you are Kira?" I smiled, lowering my head. "I don't know what you mean L, you tell me." L grunted sounding slightly agitated. "This isn't getting anywhere, Light."

"Is this supposed to get somewhere?" I asked, feeling malice in my words. I continued to stretch my wrists, allowing the metal to cut farther into them, blood dripping onto the floor. I wanted to turn, wanted to lick it up, wanted to feel life run through my veins, but if I did that, he would never let me out. I could feel the emotions break through my mask, insanity, pain, fear, and anxiety. They were all present there on my composed face, my cuts burning, and I stayed motionless for minutes, listening to the small electric humming of the camera in the upper corner of the room.

"It's beautiful." I said suddenly, my mind trailing to other things. "That sweet scent the fills this room at the moment." I smiled lightly, keeping my head resting on my cut up knees. "Just like the crimson liquid of the victims that used to coat my hands." There was an even longer pause, but finally L spoke. "You're Kira percentage increased to…" I cut in with my loud laughter. "Like I care anymore, L! What else could you do to me that he hasn't already done? What else could you possibly do?" L's voice was soft and light as he spoke. "I could take away Light. I could make it so that Light never existed. I could push you to the length of your insanity, and make you disappear. That's what I could do to you, Light."

I winced, my laughter withdrawing into a small childlike hum. "But you won't…" I whispered, and heard him chuckle, the sound light and airy. "I believe if you don't tell me, it's possible." It was then that I realized no one else of the Task Force was in the room L was in, they had all left, the time wasn't right. "You're a monster!" I yelled as loud as I could. "Not as much of a monster as you are, Kira-kun." I gave up then, staying silent, my eyes closed. "You're right, Ryuzaki. Though I'm not a monster, I'm a God that could never be." L smiled, "You're admitting you are Kira, then?" A smile tugged at my lips, "Say whatever you like Ryuzaki, make any analysis that you want, but you'll never hear me say those words. Without them, there is no absolute evidence, and without absolute evidence…there is no way anyone will believe you whole heartedly."

"Yes, that is true Light. The thing is though, I know, and that's all that mattered. It's also the most painful thing to admit to myself." My voice died at that moment, my eyes widening, my heart beating slowly in my chest. "Ryu…no, L…what?" I asked, needing to clarify that those words meant something, that this man was human, that he could feel friendship, love, pain, anything at all. "Goodbye, Light." That was the last thing I heard from him that day, and it stung like a knife through my heart. He was messing with me, toying with me. That monster didn't have a heart, and he never would.

Please God; just kill me, so that I may rest in eternal damnation.

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I hate the ending to this chapter, it sounds way too evil, but for some reason that is just what came to me. I personally don't like it very much, it sounds...creepy...even to me. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and L will have his sugar cubes in the next one! YAY for sugar cubes! Me and my friend roleplay as Kira and L's assistants, and she assures me that there is a tracker on me someone. GRRR I WILL FIND IT SOMEDAY! Anyway, enough of my weirdness! Please review and constructive critisism is wanted! XD Thank-a-you for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

Hello everyone! Yes, another chapter! I'm so sorry for the long wait, school has been extreamly hectic lately, and I'm sort of lazy...so when I finally get freetime most of it is spent sleeping! This chapter is sort of longer than the others, so I hope it makes up for the wait! ^_^ I'm thinking about writing a special halloween fan fic for Death Note, so tell me if you think that's a good idea! Once again, thank you all for reading! XD

Disclaimer: Once agin, I don't own Death Note! *Sigh*

Anyways, on with the story!

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Living Without A Light To Hold On To

Time passed, even for me who thought he was caught in the intermixes of time, time continued to move. Everything around me was moving faster than I was, everything around me was moving at a rate I couldn't follow. My stomach craved for something, anything to fill it, accepting anything that I could possibly inhale. L could keep me locked away, he could keep me in the dark for the rest of my life, but I would not let Kira win. Everyday went by with the same overwhelming sense of nostalgia.

Promises written in red shown across my eyes, revealing to the world, to L the truth inside. "Are you Kira?" Those voice echoed, everyday, every hour, non-stop. It would continue for long periods of time, the question ringing in the air, causing my ears to bleed away my sanity. I was Kira, I wasn't Kira, I don't know who Kira is. I would have a different answer everyday. I didn't know who I was anymore, was my name even Light? Was it Kira, or was I someone completely different from what they all believed I was?

Today though, no voices echoed in the cell, no noise was made. It was silent, bitter, darkened with the feeling of hate for my self-pity. I heard the clinking of chains, or was it keys? I couldn't identify sound anymore; I hadn't heard anything else than that voice for so long… "Hello, Light-kun." I didn't have to look up to know who it was. "L." I muttered, my voice cracking with weakness, my body withering away. He sat in front of me, his thumb pushed to his lips as he glanced at me. "Light, we haven't made any progress." It was a pure statement with double meanings.

I laughed lightly, an echo spreading through the dark cell. I didn't say a word, just laughed. Everything was so damn funny anymore. "My name isn't Light." I spat, thick venom in my voice. "Oh, then what is it?" I was silent, saying nothing; I had nothing to say now. My train of thought had ended suddenly, leaving me with an empty shell of emotions with no thoughts. "I don't have a name." I said, stating what came to me at that moment. "Yes, you do, your name is Light." Laughing, I leaned back against the wall.

"You're starting to annoy me, and I'm bored." I stated, glaring at him, a broken smile on my face. It held my pain, my misery, my shame and broken pride. "What will you do about it, Kira-kun?" That voice, it only drove me farther into insanity. "Stop it!" I screamed at him, "I'm not Kira!" I yelled, my breath edgy and uneven. "Keep telling yourself that Light, then maybe I would believe you were human." This man was a monster, this man was L. L was a plain gothic letter, a cold emotionless shell, and it described it's master quite nicely.

Today, I didn't feel like I needed to speak anymore, so my mouth slowly closed, my smile disappearing. Some days, I felt like this, like I just needed to disappear, to get away. "Light, are you okay?" I stifled an insane laugh, would I ever be okay? Not responding, I closed my eyes, humming a light tune that I remembered well. It was a song that she used to sing to him all the time. "Be careful what you do, cause God is watching your every move. Hold my hand in the dark street, for if you do I know I'll be safe…" I taunted, and watched his eyes narrow, glaring down at me from where he stood. "Even when I'm far away, and alone…I know somehow you will find me there, this I know…" I laughed lightly as I breathed in more air. "You draw me close for a while, so quiet. You tell me everything…and if I forget what you say, then you'd come to me, and tell me again. Yes, you'd tell me once again…"

A large bang echoed throughout the cell, L hitting his fist against the bars. "Shut up, Light!" He growled, his eyes hidden by his dark locks. "You're insane." I smiled, my eyes shutting to make it seem all the more genuine. "Of course I am, but you're even worse than me." I said simply, and watched him slowly walk towards the entrance of the cell. That's when I started to panic. I hadn't seen a human in so long, this was new, and this was different. I didn't want verbal contact to end so quickly, didn't want the hallucinations to come back. "Don't leave…" I mumbled, looking at him with wide, pleading eyes. "Give me a reason why I shouldn't!" L spat, and I simply continued staring, my eyes boring into his back.

"Because I have answers to your questions." I said simply, drawing him in, Kira's mind working fast in my brain. L turned slightly, and I smiled mischievously at my overly confident win. "You have never answered my questions before, Light. So, why now?" He asked, almost absentmindedly. Thinking that over, I searched for a reason, some sort of answer I could give him. The only thing that came to my sadistic, insane, bipolar mind was, "I don't want to be alone."

His head tilted to the side, and his eyes analyzed my face, searching for emotion. The darkness was returning to my sight, my eyes slipping closed, insomnia wearing off for the moment. Sleep, it sounded beautiful, but it felt so far away. No, I can't sleep now! L is here! I continued to try and persuade the beautiful feeling in my head to keep me awake, focused. I couldn't fight it, I couldn't fight the inevitable. Laughing, Kira silenced my mind, my body lying limp on the ground as I fell sideways, caught by warm silence. I felt warm hands push me upright; correcting my posture that recently had decreased to L's kind of slouch.

Warm breath teased my face, a stranger in this world standing beside me, watching me with those black panda eyes. L. I was only slightly aware of this, slightly aware of what was happening around me. It felt like I was drowning again, being forced under the water, my breath slipping from me with every swallow of the salty water. It was then that I realized this water was tears, and those tears soon turned to blood. It filled my lungs, circling my heart, constricting it. Filling me with a sense of craving for the liquid, I was now inhaling. "Such a sweet scent." Kira mocked, pushing me over the edge of the cliff I didn't know I had been resting on, falling deeper into the pool of blood.

"You'll die." The voice echoed in my head again, and hands reached for me, gripping my arms, dragging me down farther. They were black, long shadowy spider legs holding onto me, their touch cutting like metal wire. "Die already." An impatient voice mumbled, an apple suddenly falling through the water, landing on my chest, burning a hole through my clothes, my skin. I screamed in pain as it ate through my heart, blazing, flames circling it under the crimson water. My life was ending, I could feel the slowing of the pace in the water, and the way the circling ended smoothly, leaving me numb.

In my defense, I could have said that I felt safe there. I felt safe in the blood that consumed me, the peacefulness of the silence that tried to overwhelm me. The spider legs started to feel more soothing, the pain turning into something nonexistent. Fear was an emotion triggered by pain, pain was a human feeling caused by nerves. My nerves were dead, I wasn't human, I couldn't feel fear, and I couldn't feel pain. This world was simple, dark, disturbing, covered in red. Beautiful was the only word to truly describe it, and even then, there were no words.

In this world, I was God. I was the only one here, the only one left that could rid the world of evil. Yet, I was the only one left to kill, the only one left that needed to die to make this world complete, completely pure. Reaching my restrained hands up, I ignored the cutting the wire felt like on my arms, and wrapped my hands around my throat. "I can let you die. I can make you disappear." It was those promised words that rang in my head, it was those words that gave me the promise of purity.

To live in a pure world, one untainted by lies, evil, and these spider webs that every living soul was so easily caught in. In this world where the temptation of the forbidden fruit is so easily given, so easily eaten. May they rest for eternity in a world that I have created, in a world that Kira always craved. Right now, he was the only one controlling me, and right now, I allowed him too, because I loved Kira. I loved Kira because he was me. I loved him because he could do what I couldn't. I loved him because he hated L.

I hated him though; I hated him because he could kill L. I hated him because he wanted to kill me. I hated him because he loved me more than I would ever know. He needed me, needed my mind to control me, and I gave him the freedom he needed to expand his rule on society. I felt something shake me, stirring me from the nightmare, from this beautiful dream. Pale white hands were on my face, steadying my sight as my eyes fluttered open.

It was L, his black eyes holding a small fire that I hadn't seen in a long time. It had all been a dream, a beautiful remembrance of what I had always wanted, of what Kira had always wanted. My dreams taunted me, made me believe that I could finally receive what I deserved, though I knew that would never happen.

And I knew, on judgment day, I wouldn't be accepted like my dreams made me believe. No, I would be denied, for the light may never reach my eyes or grace my presence.

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I hope you liked this chapter, honestly I had fun writing it! It's a bit different, but please don't lose interest in the story yet, It does have a detailed plot line that I'm working on with every ounce of my brain power! (My math teacher would be proud!) Heres something for all of my reviews and readers beacuse you all deserve it! *Hands Cookie* There ya go! Your very own Death Note cookies with pictures of L and Light's face on them! Thank you all so much for the reviews and the support, it makes me happy! The next chapter is underway, and I must say, it's kind of creepy...in my opinion! You get to start seeing Kira as more of his own person instead of just a piece of Light. Sounds weird, but it will make much more sense later! ^_^

I'll update soon, I promise! - Kirase (Kira-seh) That's what my friend calls me! XD


	7. Chapter 7

Ello everyone! I am here to tell you that I updated early! I got inspiration or maybe it was just all of the candy i've been eating from Halloween...0_0 Anyways, I loved writing this chapter, and yes, you see Kira as more of his own person in this. Also, for those of you who think it's creepy to have Kira as his own person, think about him as an alternate personality for Light. Just like light Light, and night Light, as my friends and I call his innocent version and his evil version. There is some creepy parts within this, but the plot does continue quite well in this chapter, so I hope you enjoy it! ^_^

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note! Is that such a shocker?

Anyways, on with the story!

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Regrets

There are many things I would have liked to have done in my lifetime. There are several things I believe I could have changed, could have done better. I'm not dead yet, so why are these regrets so frequent? Why are they trying to change me, to consume me? Lately, Light has been pushing me away. Light, has been regretting me. There is too much of him and not enough of me, he's stronger, but he can't kill the one person that means the most to him in this world. He can't do what I can. His memories are mine, and I hold to him as death holds to life, a vice grip that can never be released.

L stirs him, wakes him up at times I want him to continue sleeping, forces him through the cracks in my mask. Those innocent eyes lie to me, they tell me that he can handle the world, that he can do everything I can and do it better. I scream sometimes, I scream at him, throwing all of my harsh spite at him, but he smiles and takes it all. I want him to sleep, to be locked away deep inside, so that he would never have to endure what I have to, so that he doesn't have to see what I've done to him. The blood that drips down his forehead is mine, not his. The blood that coats his hands is mine, yet everyone blames him for it, it isn't his. That's my work, that's what I have done, and yet all of the credit goes to him.

He tells me things sometimes, things he says not to tell the world outside. He says he's scared, and sometimes he cries. Light likes to cry when he believes L isn't watching, L is always watching. He says that there are many things he regrets, things that scare him. I want to take them away, but in the end, the thing that scares him most is me. I am the thing that terrifies him to no end, because I am Kira. I laugh, he screams. It's the same old thing on permanent repeat. I lean my head back against the wall, waiting, watching the doors that were always closed, the bars rusty and old.

Suddenly, I'm pulled out of my thoughts as my eyes find those black holes, and I throw my head against the wall. Blood trickles down my forehead, and I hear shuffling as I am roughly pulled away from the wall, the only tool I have to keep myself in control. There is a pale hand on the side of my face, forcing me to looking into those coal like panda eyes, and I can't pull away. Light pushed through, his mental state taking over mine. "L." I hear myself say, and to my disgust, there is a ring of meaning in that voice, of something more than enemies. "Who is Light-kun today?"

L had taken up a habit of asking us that question everyday; it was his first question, and his last. I laugh, pushing my way back through. "Why does it matter, L? Aren't I always going to be the same?" I hear him chuckle, and the ringing noise brings Light back. "I…I don't…stop it!" He yells, and L backs up slightly as he fights me, and then he takes over, Kira vanishing from his brain. "I…I don't…know…who I…am supposed to be…" I say, and L blinks, analyzing my face. To my surprise, L smiles, an eerie creepy smile, but that's the closest thing to happiness I've ever seen on his face. "You are Light, a Highschool student who is working alongside L, to take down Kira.

My eyes flash, pain wringing through my body, and I throw myself against the nearest wall, trying to make it stop. Panting, I feel him creep into my shoes, like air rushing through my veins. "You're wrong!" Kira is back, but as fast as he is, he is gone. "No…that's not…" I mumble, unable to keep up with the switching anymore. Leaning against the wall with my side, I blink, uncaring. Whoever wanted to be Light today could be him, I was tired of fighting. "Light, are you Kira?" He asked softly. Sighing, I thought the question over. How many times did he plan to ask? "No, I am not Kira." I said stiffly, feeling a strange fire burning in my heart. Great, I ticked Kira off.

"That isn't what I meant. I know Light isn't Kira, but is Kira there somewhere?" I blinked, was he trying to make me more insane? My chest convulsed, and I stared at the ground, tears streaming down my cheeks. Why did he have to make it so hard? Ryuk floated overhead, always laughing, always that disturbing chuckle in my ears. This time though, a high-pitched scream echoed through the cell. It took me a few seconds to realize that it was mine. My hand had touched the cold pen that sat on the floor; the one L believed I killed so many people with. Oh, how true it was.

Images, so many filling me, creating a stain glass window of dreams within my eyes. Blood ran down the window as skin was separated from bone, washed away by the rivers of crimson that flowed steadily through the lands of bodies. They laid on either side, their blood mixing in the middle, each drop dying it a deeper red than the one before. Every few seconds a bone would hit the water with a splash, the liquid shooting up, coating my face with a thick layer of scarlet as I stared into the puddles, my eyes matching the color of the mix. I found my hand moving on it's own, collecting some in my hands, and I brought it above my head, letting it coat my hair and face, my mouth with that sinister color.

It felt good, relaxing, calming. Its essence seemed to feel the room, calming me down to the bone, until I simply sat there, unmoving. Screams echoed around me, mimicking my own, and I took another look around. Every body was my own, each one another version of me, all through my life. I saw myself across the river, but as I child, blood dripping off my hand into the puddle as I smiled. We were a mirror image, one just smaller than the other, yet both were smiling knowingly as if they each knew something the other didn't. Kira stood in the middle of the river, placing his head under the blood, and coming back up, a sinister smile on his face. "This is our dream, Light-kun." He said softly, mirroring our smiles, each one white coated with red. Bone and blood.

I was drawn back into the cold and empty room by a rattling noise. It was my delusions again, filing me with a strange sense of peaceful bliss. "We're pulling you out today, Light." I heard a voice say, and I tilted my head, watching, as the metal doors were pulled open, L walking in. He slowly walked over as if delaying the moment would give me a chance to finally tell him what he wanted to know, but I stayed completely silent, my eyes unmoving. The chains were unlocked, falling to the ground with a loud clanking noise that filled my eardrums, making me wince. L helped me up, but I didn't say anything, didn't thank him. This didn't seem right, this was far too different. Kira's defensive nature kicked into gear, and I glanced around. A set up? No, it couldn't be…could it?

Pulling away slightly, I gripped the metal bars tightly with the palm of my hands, wrapping my fingers around the cold metal. "Where are you taking me?" I asked, my voice cracking from overuse. Too much screaming. "We're going home, Light." He said simply, as if that answered the question completely. "Home?" That word sounded so different on my tongue, yet it held a comforting silence and tone. "Yes, home Light-kun." My grip slackened, and he took that as queue to help me continue out of the cell and up the concrete stairs.

For the first time in months, the light met my eyes. I screamed at first, the brightness burning me to my core, making me want to hide from this unknown presence. "It's just the sun." L said simply, boredom ringing in his voice. He glanced at me from the corner of his eyes, and I pretended that it didn't hurt. I pretended that the sun I had once treasured didn't burn like hell. Grin and bare it. Yeah, that seemed about right. My mouth tugged into a smile, and we crossed the roof, entering the door on the other side, getting away from the thing that I now loathed.

I must have looked like hell, and how do I know that you may ask, well, by the way the task force seemed to gape and stare at me as I walked into the room. I knew I had blood coating my body, but come on, how bad did I really look? "Light…" My dad said, awestruck. "Hey…" I mumbled, and then was crushed in a tight embrace. At first I forgot where I was, panicking, wanting to push away, wanting to scream, but I held it all in. I thought I was drowning, that this force was pushing me under the bloody water again, but I knew that wasn't right. "I…uh…" What was I supposed to say, miss you? Love you? It's good to see you? "Missed you too." I finished, and saw his usual smile. His mouth pulled back, the skin creasing as his wise and aged smile came into view.

It was strange; Kira didn't try to come back, but lay dormant at the moment, letting me enjoy this human contact. It was only a matter of time though, I knew that. I could feel the way L's eyes bore into my back, and I winced, continuing to hug my father.

That was the last time I felt his embrace for the few months that followed. "We're going to Britain, home." Those were the last words that met my ears before darkness claimed me, and when I woke up, I found myself overwhelmed by what I saw before me, my heart beating slowly to the piano I could hear in the room next to mine, and finally stopping as the keys slowed into a timeless melody.

Maybe this wall all for the better, or maybe for worse. You never really know until you take the chance, and cross the boundary, because you never know what's waiting on the other side until you look for yourself. Too bad the grass was even scarcer on the other side.

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Well, there you go! I hope you liked it! ^_^ I should have probably put Pov (Point of view) but I enjoy seeing if I portray the personality enough for you to imediatly know who's pove it is in by how they act or what they do. Anyways, the plot has increased, and I'm working on the next chapter, but please be leiniant with me. Between school and homework, I don't have much time to work on this story. I hope it satisfied all of your gore-ish wants until the next chapter wich should have more within it. Also, please review and send me some critisism, I would like to know if the plot increasment needs to go faster or slower...(I don't think it can get any slower than how it is going now...) but still, please let me know! ^_^

Also, if any of you have mood setting songs, ones with a lot of meaning no matter what genre please send them to me! ^_^ I listen to music when I write, and the music I listen to sets the mood, so if you want a certian kind of mood for the next chapter that you want me to portray, please send it to me!

Thank-A-You for reading! It means alot to me! ^_^


	8. Chapter 8

Hi everyone, long time no see huh? Well I'm back! ^_^ Finals are next week for the end of first semester, and I'm excited to finally get a new class! Anyways, thank all of you for your music suggestions, they were all amazing songs, and I'm still listening to some of them while I write! I hope you all had an amazing holiday or holidays I should say! Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter, it advances the plot a little bit as it should start doing in the next few chapters! XD Sorry, there isn't that much gore really at all in this chapter, so if you were looking forward to it, it will be in the next chapter most defiantly! XD

Anyways, on with the story! XD

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The Day Light Met Dark

It was funny, the way they convinced me I was going home. This isn't home, this is hell. My own personal hell, my own piece of something farther under the surface. This was L's home, a place I now hated, a place that Kira was dying to get out of, sending me even deeper under the pain, deeper under the insanity. He laughed though, every day, every hour. Uncontrollable, intolerable, painful laughter that wracked through my already weak body.

L would watch, I knew he would, the way he would stare at me. The first day was the worst, the first day showed me just how much I was paying for all that I had done. For all that Kira had done to me. The house was huge, much like a mansion that any other rich man would have. But tell me, did every rich man have a room devoted to keeping someone locked up inside their house? I didn't think so. I was trapped, it was worse than my last cell, just an empty room, and empty world.

I glanced up at the ceiling, feeling myself drifting away again, my hands firmly locked behind my back. I rested my head on my knees, staring down at the ground in front of me. I had lost my edge. I no longer smiled at anything, other than out of spite or cruelty. I no longer saw my family other than when L found it absolutely necessary. It was cruel really. A dog trapped in a kennel, a wild animal forced into captivity.

Kira tells me that I used to be radiant. He says that I used to be something more than I am now. What am I now? What do I look like? L wont let me have a mirror, he believes I'll break it and cut myself on the glass once again. Old habits die hard, huh Ryuzaki? My eyes strain to stay open, slowly shifting towards the plain white door of this ugly room. The handle turned, and I backed up even more, watching as he walked in.

I couldn't focus though, too tired to really pay attention to what was going on. L walked over, and I watched his pale feet shift across the tile as he sat down next to me, staring at me from the side of his vision. "How is Light today?" I tried to look at him, but I simply gave up, closing my eyes. "…" I tried to speak, tried to move my mouth, but simply fell to the side, L catching me.

I can't tell you what it felt like to have someone holding me for the first time in so long. Just the feeling of another human beings touch sent me to the deeper levels of thought in my mind. I was under the water again, staring up at the panda eyed man that looked down at me, refusing to pull me out of the water. "It's okay, Light, you can sleep." He said softly, but I knew better than to let my guard down. No, Kira knew better than to let his guard down.

"If I do that…" I started, pushing past Light, smiling. "You'll end up…" I couldn't manage to stay above the surface long, holding onto the small bit of kick I had left. Light was smothering the fire, forcing me down into the coals of his subconscious, but I refused to lay dormant much longer. If I didn't do something quick, Light was going to suffocate me, and I couldn't let go of our dream that easily.

"I'll kill you, L. I'll kill you for the both of us." I spat, and a hesitant hand wrapped around my neck, forcing me against the wall. L stared into my eyes, and I chuckled, insane laughter echoing through the room. "The both of you, so Kira, you are there." I smiled, feeling happiness in the images that ran through my head. "My name is Light, and I'll kill you Ryuzaki, I swear it. I might not know it all the time, but I've always hated you." I spat, feeling Light pushing through once again.

I chocked slightly, tears slowly beginning to run streams down my cheeks. "Why…?" I muttered, feeling Light begin to cry, beginning to scream. He could see them, the images I so desperately tried to hold onto. The ones where L was laying on the ground, his body mangled in my hands, blood slowly dripping down his face, creating a puddle on the ground. My wildest dream, his nightmare, crimson wrists with roses. "Stop it!" I screamed, Light pushing through, forcing me back down into the dark.

"Stop it please…" I begged, staring at the wide eyes detective, my form shaking. L did something I never expected. The handcuffs unlocked, releasing my wrists that I held out in front of me, rubbing them together. "There is food out there for you, Light." He said softly, and I rubbed at my neck, slowly pushing myself up. I staggered, unused to using my legs, using the wall to move me across the room once L had left.

I stood at the table, looking at the other side where L sat in his usual way, eating his sweets. I scoffed, finding his overall obsession with sugar rather disgusting. (Not really, I find it rather cute! ^_^) I sighed, sitting down at the chair, staring violently at the food that sat in front of me. I refused to eat, I had for a long time, and I wasn't going to give Kira more energy than he already had.

"Eat, Light." L said, and I simply continued staring at my food. "No." I said simply, my voice cracking. "I'm not hungry." I said afterward, watching the way he stared at me. "I'm getting tired of this, Light." He said, and I looked over at him, wondering what he meant. "I can't completely focus on you, it's about time that you disappear." He said simply, turning away. "Disappear…" I smiled, pushing Light back down into the water, chuckling. If L wanted Light to disappear, I would make it happen, I would be glad to keep him in the water for as long as possible.

"I need you to bring Kira up, he's the one I need to defeat, not you." I mearly chuckled again, smiling a cruel smile. "Well L, let the games begin." I said softly, and he turned, his thumb to his lips. "Yes Kira, he who laughs last laughs the hardest." My laugh echoed through the walls, "I always have the last laugh."

Suffocating though air filled my lungs, dying though I never felt so alive. Kira was over me, watching me as I lost even more of myself, my memories fading away. Death is bliss; darkness is the mightiest of all pleasures. So consume me Kira, kill me, make me fade away. That's all L needs anyway, he doesn't need me. He needs the killer, for he is the detective. Just another game of cat and mouse.

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Sorry that it was so short, but I'm finally getting back into writing this and have ideas for several other stories! ^_^ Hope you enjoyed it, and I'll be updating soon! Drop me a review if you liked it, I love to know what you guys think! XD

Until next time!

-Lexi-Chan


	9. Chapter 9

Yes, believe me, I know how freaking short this is! I apologize to all of you, this is pretty much a very important filler chapter since more of the main (And confusing) plot line picks up in the next chapter, I already have it mostly planned out in my head. Hopefully this mini chapter will help feed your imagination about this story until the next one comes out! Once again, I apologize for the shortness, but this is the best I can do on a really stressful school night! ^_^

Anyways, on with the story!

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These Endless Games

There was a pain in me that Kira had put there. A deep burning pain inside of my soul that would not subside. He put it there to keep me drowning, to keep me under this burning water until he could use me again. I didn't care. Or…at least I told myself I didn't. If I could be useful to someone, just for a moment in the state I was in, my heart would be content. Convincing myself of that seemed impossible months ago, but now, it was all I had left to hold onto. Death, deception, misery…yeah, it took care of it all.

I look up as I hear a noise inside my mind, a light chuckle that I had come to know well. "Hello, Light." I know he's not real, he's just a piece of me, but damn his voice makes my body start to shake. He looks down at the water, his crimson eyes piercing it, analyzing every inch of the bloody lake. He says nothing else, so neither do I, just waiting for him to disappear. I wait to disappear as well, to die and float away as far from here as I can possibly get.

Kira shifts within me, the water beginning to turn, and I watch through his eyes, hear his thoughts. I glance over at L, wondering what he's thinking, wondering if I caused the pain I am now seeing in those eyes. "Light-kun?" He asked softly, and I want to push through the water, I want to look at those eyes for myself. "Still me, L." Kira hisses, and I wish I could strangle him right then and there. Well…maybe I can…?

I move my arms above the water, forcing all of my strength into wrapping them around my throat, my nails tearing at the skin. I can feel the blood as it slowly drips down my neck, staining the white collar of my shirt. "Stop it, Light!" I hear his voice, but I ignore it, I can't tell if it's Kira's or L's. Hands grip mine, and I hear him laugh, the noise echoing through my hallow mind. "You'll have to do better than that, Light." I know it this time, he's mocking me.

I watch L, his eyes slightly concerned, but I know it's not concern for me dying. He doesn't want the criminal to die before its sentence. How very detective like of you, Ryuzaki. Still, it burns slightly, the feeling of hatred and the feeling of sympathy that combined between the two of them. My hands slip under the water, falling to my sides, trapped once again, no movement accessible. I watch as Kira turns, slowly walking away from L, and I want to fight back, I want to stay there.

"Is this part of your game, Kira?" I hear his voice just above the surface, lingering in the air. "No." He told L, "A complication." A crackling sound came, and I felt my body twist. I screamed, my heart clenching in my chest, blood bursting from my pours to fill the already crimson water. My ears began to bleed, the burning sensation mixed with the high-pitched laughter bursting the drums that were already weakened from days of hearing the cruelty of that laugh.

My screams traveled to the surface, echoing out of what once was my body. Kira grinned while he screamed, allowing the disturbing sense of this situation to set into the air. He was killing me, killing my consciousness, breaking me when I thought I was already broken. With me gone, he had nothing to stand in his way. His game would continue, L could begin.

"I should be thanking you." I whisper softly, my voice traveling out to where L could hear it. "If it weren't for you, I never would have been granted the freedom of death." Kira chuckles, "Death isn't freedom for you, Light. It's hell." At that moment, I felt suspended in the air that consumed me, falling prey to the darkness. A single heartbeat echoed into my mind, there was only one, no longer two.

"So long, Light." Kira chuckles once more before I finally get covered with darkness, and disappear. I turn, now having rid myself of my complication in my plan once and for all, and give L a cruel smile. "Now then, since he's gone, let's begin." L's mask falters, his eyes weakening, his posture stiffening. "You really are a murderer." I smile, "Of course I am, I'm willing to kill anything in my way." L didn't believe it, he didn't believe that Light was completely gone, and I could tell.

I could tell Light was still there somewhere, his ideals, his voice traveling in my mind. I knew I wouldn't be able to kill him off fully, but I could make him weak to the point where he would never be able to come back. "Isn't that what you wanted, L? You said it was better that Light disappeared, so I made him." L's eyes trembled, growing less strong and determined by the minute. "I was trying to taunt you, I never wanted Light to leave."

I laughed, my voice echoing through the room. "How does it feel to know that you were the reason someone died Ryuzaki? Does it really burn in your chest? Do you feel the wonderful pain?" In a split second, L had me cornered, a hand holding onto my throat.

"There is one thing I can do that will bring Light back for sure." L said strongly, the determination returning to his eyes. "Something Kira would never comprehend." With that, he leaned foreword, a light smile playing on his lips.

* * *

Well, there you go, I left it at a sort of cliff-hanger-ish thing! ^_^ I hope you liked it, despite it, yet again, extreme shortness!

There is a little bit of fluff for you, well actually, there are two possibilities.

There could be a somewhat cute scene, or a really intense violence scene depending on what you guys want, so go ahead and let me know so I know what direction to take it! XD


	10. Chapter 10

Okay everyone, I'm updating early because I got a sudden burst of inspiration! ^_^ To all of you that reviewed, thank you very much. Now, I'm sorry to those of you that wanted violence, my fan-girling heart wouldn't let me be that cruel to Light. So, the fluff monster attacks a little bit in this chapter, but it's really not much at all. This does further the plot line quite a bit, and in my opinion it is a really sweet chapter. I hope you enjoy it! XD

Anyways, on with the story!

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A Light In The Darkness

I watched L hesitate, but slowly, lips met mine. My eyes widened, feeling pain, hatred and a deep sadness settle in my stomach. I tried to throw him off, but something held me in place, some sort of sanity that I had left told me I needed this. Pulling away, a hand rested on my cheek, tears streaming down my face. "Hello, Light." In a flurry of movement, I had run straight into that warm chest, feeling arms wrap around me.

Human contact on my skin was like being burned by a gentle flame, always consistent, always needed. "It's okay." L said softly, resting a hand on my head, but I could tell that this whole situation was uncomfortable. For the first time though, I didn't care how he felt, I didn't care how anyone felt. I didn't consider how to make someone be comfortable, how to make them feel something when I was around. Right now, I only cared about me, my pain, and my need for this contact.

"I'm sorry, Light. I've been cruel to you…" L said softly, and my eyes widened. The detective admitting he was wrong? This had to have been a dream, and if it was, I didn't want to wake up. "I wouldn't know what I would do…if I lost you…you're my best friend, you know." I glanced up at him, staring into those apathetic eyes, searching for some sort of emotion. There was one there that I couldn't identify on the detective, a small hint of pain maybe, but that was all. "I'm sorry, Ryuzaki…" I said pulling away, surprised as I was pulled back against his chest.

"You shouldn't apologize, I take the fault for this one. It's been so long Light, let me just hold you." He said softly, and I remained quiet, feeling the contact of another human. A hug, the most simplest of actions to most, but to me one of the most complex things that has ever happened in my lifetime. This hug was awkward, but it felt warm. Ryuzaki felt warm, his arms felt kind, something I had never noticed in our times of being chained together.

It had felt like hours, but it had only been minutes, the clock clicking on the wall when he slowly let go. I felt an instant need to cling onto the arms that pulled away, but didn't act on that impulse. It was then that I began to feel the gravity of the situation pull over me, the pain that I still felt my body was in. Anxiety rushed into me for a moment, before the exhaustion hit me like a rock. I fell foreword, feeling those strong arms catch me, my eyes closing.

I was laid down on soft cushions, a small yet strong voice whispering in my ear. "Don't worry Light, I won't let Kira get you." Something was tugged over me, something warm and soft, and I snuggled into the contact it gave me. 'Kira…' I thought, my mind wandering, my body going numb.

There were faces on the walls, all staring at me; smiles that could only be described as wholehearted watched my apathetic face. "Light, do you understand where you are?" I look up, but suddenly feel much smaller, staring up at the faces on the walls. "What…what do you mean?" My voice was small, young, just like when I was little. "These are your smiles Light, all of the ones you've used." I stare up at the darkness hovering over the smiles, wondering what one was talking. "I don't know what you mean!" The voice chuckled, "Do you honestly believe you have even once smiled from your heart?"

I glanced down at the ground, stomping my feet. "Of course I have! There was…" My voice trailed off, and my eyes began to water. "Shhh it's okay…" I heard the voice say, and suddenly Kira stood in front of me, but he was much bigger than I was. I felt like I was seven again, looking up at a man whom was eighteen. He kneeled down, pulling me into a hug, his words like ice in my ear. "I can give you a smile." He said softly, "A smile that is wholehearted, a smile that you can use for the rest of your life."

My heart thumped wildly, but I stared ahead, my head resting in the crook of his neck because of the size difference. "Y…you can?" My little voice whispers, feeling my fingers hook onto his shirt. "I can, Light. A smile that everyone will love." I feel myself believing these words, placing them in my memory. "What do I have to do…?" I murmur, and I can feel his smile against my forehead. "All you have to do is…" My eyes widened, and I backed up, feeling blood run down my face. I fell forward onto my knees, seeing the ground change into a crimson sea, though I don't fall through, just hover above.

It's my blood, I know, that's making this. My mind couldn't comprehend it though, that such a small amount could make a lake of this size. "You already have done it Light, once before. Just finish it, and forever I can help you feel. I can help you smile, for the both of us." I shook my head, and start to feel the crimson water changing from still to rapid. "If you don't agree…"

I didn't stay to hear the rest of his words; I didn't stay to feel the pain. It was there though, still happening within me, even though that dream had disappeared, replaced by another one. "Hey sweetie, let's go." I'm older now, I assume, around the age of fourteen. I'm with my mother at the market, following her along like the lost puppy I felt I was. I remember this moment; it's made from a long lasting memory of mine. Sayu is there, reaching for my hand, and I take her's without hesitation.

Right now, I'm wishing I would have done that all those years ago, if I would have let her hold my hand like this. I glance over, immediately caught of guard by the other boy. Wild hair, and large black eyes with bags underneath. "Look, there's Ryuzaki." I hear my mom say, and the boy gives me a kind wave, a smile on his face. That smile takes me back, it takes me to a place in my mind that I haven't been into in a long time.

It's a smile I had saved in my memory, a kind and courteous smile given to me by that conniving detective and his Kira percentages. I'm seventeen again, watching as a handcuff is snapped onto my wrist. There's something there too, in the fragility of that plain cuff that I realize, I have come to miss the coolness of the metal. L's face is apathetic as he munches on cracker bears, and I find myself watching him, seriousness in my face. I want to analyze, I want to remember, I want to go back to the days where I was a bored high school student.

Maybe, if I hadn't been Kira, L and I could have become true friends. Though, it was because of him that we met in the first place. Still though, I wish that we could have had a better start, a different beginning to this endless tale. Maybe one where we could be happier than we are now, a place where there is peace. Maybe Kira never would have killed me…maybe…just maybe…we could have had a normal life together.

I wake up, my eyes fluttering open, the realization of my dreams flowing into my system. There is a large and warm blanket over me, and I shuffle, feeling a broad chest behind my back. I smile, though it isn't the smile Kira promised me. It's just a light smile, just a smile that portrays who I am, and who I have always been. I close my eyes, snuggling into that chest, feeling and arm wrap around my torso.

Thank you God, I've received your angel. Don't worry, I promise to keep him safe.

With the bottom of my heart…

* * *

Well, there was the fluff monster! ^_^ I hope you liked it, I personally enjoyed writing it, I found it rather cute! XD

So, what to expect in the chapters to come...Violence, because I enjoy writing it, more sweet moments, and a few small twists that I have developed in my mind.

Once again, thank you so much for the reviews, they keep me alive knowing that people enjoy my writing, and that it's not just taking up space!

This was a little bit longer, but I have to do math homework now, so It wasn't as long as I was hoping it would be! ^_^ *Sigh*

-Lexi-Chan


	11. Chapter 11 Part A

Okay guys, shortest chapter ever! This is only past A of two parts though, so please bear with me! I got in trouble in math class several times for working on this chapter, so I decided I should at least post part one, which turned out much shorter than I originaly planned! I'm dearly sorry about that!

Thank you to all that reviewed though, it made me truly happy to see all of those wonderful comments! ^_^

Anyways, on with the story!

* * *

Waking Up

Slowly, light met my eyelids, and I pushed myself up, yawning. "Breakfast is ready now." L said softly, and I glanced up at him. "I'm not…" "Hungry? Don't lie Light, I know how skinny you are." I stared at the ground, it was true, there was truly nothing left of me. "Come on, eat." I blink, staring back down at the ground. "But…Ki…" He cut me off. "I said breakfast is ready, come on." I gave in, nodding as I walked into the other room, sitting down at the table. "…" I stared at the large mass of food and reached over to grab a small piece of bread.

Taking a small bite out of the bread, I stared at him as he watched me. My stomach screamed as food slowly filled it, shoving eggs and bacon into my mouth. "See, you were hungry." I just continued eating, not even listening to him speak. After most of the food was gone, I sighed, my stomach filled. "Better?" I nodded, and he granted me the smile I had stored in my best memories. "Well then, shall we?" I blinked, "Shall we what?"

L smiled, "We're going out for a tennis match." I'm surprised, but I don't show it, nodding. I follow him outside, flinching as we walk past the room that I was in yesterday, rubbing my wrists together. It seemed he noticed, but he was silent, opening the door for me. That damned sun was there, burning my eyes, warm against my pale skin. There was a large tennis court in a ginormous fenced in back yard. Damn rich people. "Here." He said, handing me a racket, slowly walking to the other side of the court. I got myself ready, my body feeling weak. "Ready?"

I nodded, rushing forward to hit the ball, playing several games against him, winning every one easily. It wasn't like L to let me win, what was he trying to prove? "Can you hear him, Kira?" I stopped, how did he know? A smile grazes my lips, "You can tell?" He just stares at me, "You two are much more different than you think." He said softly, and I continued smiling. "You were gone when we ate, at what part of the game did you come in?" "At four to one." L sighed, "That was half an hour ago." "Heh, I know. Why are you so upset?"

L chuckled, "I'm not upset, it gives me a chance to do this." He said softly, leaning forward, and pressing his lips to mine. My eyes widened, my body jerking back away from him. "L…" I whispered softly, and he smiled. "Come on, Light." I nodded, following along silently. I laid down on the couch, falling asleep instantly, my dreams flowing together. I was being hugged by someone, their rich voice in my ear. "L is lying to you, Light." The voice said softly, and I threw the person away, recognizing them immediately.

"Kira." I growled, and he smiled, staring down at the crimson water under us. "Come on, Light. Smile." I backed up, a small child once again, staring up at him. He reached up, tearing at the flesh of his neck, blood pumping down his chest, stain his white shirt. "I said smile!" He smirked cruelly, holding a handful of blood over my head. Slowly, he poured it onto my hair, dripping down into my eyes, staining my irises crimson.

"Smile Light, smile!" I winced, choking, holding onto my throat. He grabbed onto my blood face with his red stained hands, tugging the corners of my lips into a smile with his pale fingers. I tried to scream, but the blood remained in my lungs, a loud gurgling sound eminating from my throat. My body shot up, the images disappearing, panting as I struggled to breath. "You okay, Light?" I stared at the floor. "Yeah." What was that? What was Kira trying to do?

"who are you today?" L asked, a question that brought me back to the days in the cell. "I'm Light." I said simply, and once again, I was graced with a smile. "You answered that correctly." I stared at thim, "What would have happened if I answered differently?" L just shrugged, but I felt hear creep into me.

"It's beginning." L said, staring out the window, then looking back at me as I pushed past Light. "What is, Ryuzaki?" He looked at me, his eyes cold with hate. "Your demise."

God, the darkness is back. The problem is that I…

Don't know how long it'll stay…

* * *

Okay everyone, once again, please don't kill me for the shortness of this chapter. I've been covered with piles of homework and I have fencing, tech, and voice lessons after school now, so I don't have too much time on my hands! X3 Thank you all that are still reading this story, it means a lot to me! XD

Anyways, part B or part 2, will be out sometime next week. So until then, enjoy what I have so far, even if it is extremely short! ^_^

-Lexi Chan


	12. Chapter 11 Part B

Hello everyone! XD I finally have this up, It took me a little while to find time to get it done! ^_^ My birthday was on Thursday, February 17th! I'm officially 14 now! X3 Anyways, despite that and the awesome presents I got, (Also receiving Loveless Manga 1-2 from my best friend F.T or Miyagi! and a Junjou picture from my bestie whom I call Nowaki!) I made this chapter for you. It's part two, and it's longer than the first half thankfully! ^_^ This has a bit of fluff, and some violance to serve you gore lovers taste, although it really isn't that gory. I was in a more lovey dovey mood when I wrote it. A shout out to Rein Mikazuki! Thank you, and all of the activities I do are sponsored by my school, trust me, I wouldn't be able to afford them if they weren't free! ^_^ Also, parts of this were inspired by the song: Scars (Stronger For Life) By Corrinne May!

Anyways, on with the story!

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Waking Up Part 2

The next day went by casually, the first normal day I've had in a long time. Kira wasn't there today, it was just me and L, a peaceful feeling surrounding us. We talked like we used to, about Tennis and school, thoughts that made me pleasantly happy. It seemed all was well, and I could only hope that it would last for longer than a day. L says that I can go home soon, to my family and to my old life. I can be Light Yagami like I used to be.

I'm hoping that I'll be accepted, but I doubt it. Insane was what they had told everyone I was. Well, I guess that was true. L shuffled, moving closer to me as we watched an old black and white movie, one I had never had the pleasure of watching before. It was new to me, everything felt that way now that he was gone. It almost felt like nothing had ever happened, that L and I were just best friends watching a movie after school.

L doesn't ask me who I am anymore, it seems he knows who I am. I can only hope that he sees me as Light and not as a threat. I stared up at the ceiling, my eyes slowly closing as I sighed in relief. "Light?" I didn't move, just relaxing, basking in the warmth the sun that came in through the open windows gave me. "It's warm…" I whispered, and heard him chuckle, a sound I love.

"Yes, I suppose it is warm in here." I listened to him, but didn't respond, my thoughts straying. 'No!' I felt myself panic. I can't sleep, not now. My eyes shoot open, and I work on fixing my posture. L doesn't know that I can see him in my dreams, that he's there, that he wants to rid himself of me. If he knew, he would put me on medication and that is something I cannot bare. "What's wrong?" He asked, and I shook my head. "Oh, um, nothing." I didn't miss the suspicious look he gave me, I simply ignored it.

When the movie ended, I got up, yawning. "Would you like to go on a walk?" I merely nodded, following him along towards the back door. The sun met my eyes, but this time I didn't wince. I forced myself to look up at the sky, to feel the light burning Kira, driving him away from me. I walked along beside L, him walking in his usual way, and me sighing contently. "It's a nice day…" I heard him say, trying to start a conversation no doubt.

"Yeah…it is…" He looked over at me, "Tell me Light, do those scars make you stronger?" My eyes widened, and I thought that over. "My scars…" Looking down at my arms, I then stared over at him, a light smiled on my face. "Yes, Ryuzaki, I suppose they do." L looked up at the sky, and my eyes followed his. "I wish I had scars." He said softly, and I couldn't help but chuckle. "You're still so naïve, L."

"How so?" My smile never faded, "You need to live a little bit more, and maybe I'll tell you." "I'll try." He said, his voice ringing in my ears. "If you allow me to." He reached his hand out, holding onto my mind, and a blush settled across my cheeks. We walked in the silence, simply hand in hand, neither one of us making a move to break the wonderful feeling in the air.

When we were like this, there was no Kira or L, we were just two people who felt something for each other. Just two strangers brought together by fate, but fate can be cruel. It can tear down a person until they are barely a spec of life. I've been torn down, I've been beaten into the form of a spec, and yet…I'm still wanted by my angel, by my L.

And recently I've realized that's all I need to survive. I need his acceptance, not the acceptance of anyone else. As long as I'm good enough for him, I'll continue to live. I've also realized though, that I'll never be good enough, no matter how hard I try. It will always be forbidden. A demon and an angel, this love will never last, no matter how much I want it to.

We headed back home, to the only place I felt safe other than in his arms. Slowly, we sat down, maintaining the beautiful silence. His hand never left mind, and I felt sleep wash over me, something I was no longer afraid of. When he was here, when he was beside me, the nightmares never came. So, right now I dreamed in silence, the darkness never taking form, allowing me to have my one and only peace.

When my eyes opened the next day, I could feel something behind me, and knew instantly that it was L. Slowly, I got up as to not wake him, and headed into the bathroom. I was unaware of what it was that I would find there, something that L had made sure no other room had. I stopped, my eyes trembling as I stared at the image in the crystal mirror. I…that was me? My hand shook as I reached my hand up to my face, feeling the pale skin marred by several scars. I winced, feeling him edge inside of my mind, smiling at me.

"NO!" I screamed, slamming my fist into the wall, sending the shards of glass across the floor and onto my body, cutting into my skin. "No! No! No! No! No!" I yelled repeatedly, continuing to pound at the glass with my fists, my blood slowly creating a puddle at my feet. "Light!" I turned, pupils dilated as I stared at the man in front of me. He quickly came up to me, pressing his lips to mine. My eyes went wide, but slowly became half lidded, (1) a pill slipping down my throat. He pulled away, sighing softly, supporting me with a hug.

"Light, I told you not to go near mirrors…" I whimpered, trying to hold onto my consciousness. "He's there L…he's there…I can see him…you have to leave before…" My thoughts faded, but not before I heard a small whisper in the back of my mind followed by a chuckle. "It's too late."

* * *

(1) A reference to God's Eye A Man Named Zero! Please skip chapter 3 though, I did, unless you like stuff like that...XD

Well, there you go, I hope you all enjoyed that until I can manage to get the other chapter up. Today is a holiday for me, so I was able to finish this! ^_^

Thank you all for the wonderful reviews, I honestly never expected this story to get popular, seeing as it is pretty much my first one on FanFiction, perhaps I should do more? XD

Anyways, Thank You All So Much! X3 *Hands A Cookie*

Until next time!

-Lexi-Chan


	13. Chapter 12

Hello everyone! I'm sorry for the extremely overdue update, but I've been a little busy with homework and making sure my grades were up to par! I actually made this chapter while I was stuck in science class, and the darker part I wrote a while ago when I was stuck in my first period class because some idiot sprayed pepper spray in the bathrooms and we had to all stay in our classes as not to inhale it until the fire department came! Can you believe two people where hospitalized! It's ludicrous! Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter, but I must warn you L seems a bit too sadistic in this for some reason my mind wanted him to be a little jerk in this one. Don't worry though, it was all for the better of Light! (In his mind anyway!) ^_^

Anyways, on with the story!

* * *

Insomnia

The claws of sleep drag me down again, but the monster pulls me back, his claws fairly longer than that of sleeps. I usually keep this side of me hidden just under the surface to prove to myself that I'm not who he says I am. I am not a monster, I'm not him, I'm not Kira.

I can feel him digging into my skin, seeking for release when I'm unable to give him that in which he wants. I want to keep him under lock and key, hidden from the world. Kira, the dreaded name I do deceive that would leave me nothing, but an empty dream. A dream of sorrowful remembrance drowned in crimson tears. A dream where the weavers mourn for the red rose petals that empty themselves into the starry lakes.

My eyes close as the claws dig into my skin, cutting the flesh in narrow slits down my arms. Pain, that was all I could feel. The warm crimson liquid pulsed beneath the white, pushing it out, forcing it to trickle down my arms. God, let death come. This is the end, the last month. The time where his strength rises, the time where my somber sleep ends.

My eyes flash open, searching for something to focus on. I finally broke through; I finally pushed him back under. "Hello, Kira." I heard a familiar voice say, and I glanced up, shaking my head, letting a broken chuckle escape my lips. "Hello, Lawliet." It was taunting, and I could see it drove him on edge. I could feel the chains as the shackles rubbed on my wrists. "You're scaring Light, you know. Bringing him back into this place."

L just shrugged, and bent down in front of me. "What will it take to get you to leave Light alone? How long must this game of yours continue?" I laugh, "Don't deny me, L! You know you love it! It's a challenge, without me there would be none!" I heard him chuckled, "You're right, there wouldn't be." Slowly, he bent down, cupping my face in his rough grasp, a feral growl escaping my lips. "You broke a very expensive mirror, how do you plan to pay me back?"

I shuddered, blinking, giving him one of my famous death glares. "I don't know, L. You tell me." I said cockily, scoffing. Smirking, L's eyes peered into mine. "Let's play a game Kira, since you love them so much." I watch him, wondering what kind of game he was wanting to play. "Since you love pain, I've decided upon a very special game." Now, my eyes began to narrow. "Do you know what happens when you play with fire?" He asked, and I slowly felt panic seep into my soul as he lit a match. "You get burned."

I couldn't tell you how long it lasted, how long the burning sensation took to finally disappear. All I know it that halfway through, I came back out from under the water, but L never seemed to realize it. I wanted to retreat, wanted Kira to be suffering this, but now he hid behind me, instead of the other way around. I almost felt betrayed, felt like the only person who could help me was ruining me in this way. All I could think about was the pain. Only the pain.

Happy, that's how I should feel. I should feel happy that Kira was afraid, that he was hiding back where he belonged. No, I don't feel that way at all. Instead, he was forcing me to feel the pain, take his punishment for him. I don't see anywhere in the world where this would be fair. I guess justice is twisted. The match remained on my skin, burning, trailing across my arms up to rest on my neck. This was torture, but to me, it was no longer L. His eyes held the same red Kira's always did, and my image of him began to twist.

'Kira…' I thought, trying to seek him out, trying to make him stop. I began thrashing, but my energy was disappearing, the shackles cutting into my skin. "Kira, stop!" I screamed, and only then did the match disappear, only then was I left with the numbness of my existence. I couldn't see now, there was only darkness, and it made me wonder if it truly was dark, or if I couldn't open my eyes anymore.

Had I really lose that privilege too? A soft hand caressed my cheek, and I felt my tears being wiped away.

Since when had he been so kind?

Since when had he ever cared in the first place?

"It's okay Light, everything is okay now." It was okay? No, no it wasn't! "Kira…" "He can't hurt you anymore, Light. He can't hurt you when I'm here." He…this wasn't Kira, this was… "L?" "Yes." L was the one that was hurting me? L was the one that was forcing me through this pain. I tried to back up, tried to pull away, but he kept me firmly locked in his arms.

"Shh…" He said as sobs began to wrack my body, feeling useless, feeling betrayed. Never had I wished to be dead than now, never had I wanted to disappear so much. 'See, Light. I told you. Now, let me kill him!' I felt myself agreeing, I felt myself believing this to be true. I gave him the last of my power, I gave him the last of my power, I gave him the last of my breath. 'Yes.' I heard him chuckle as he came out of the water to stand beside me. He leaned forward, kissing my forehead softly as he pulled me into his embrace. His mimicking L's. "I knew you would choose me, it was only a matter of time. I'll take care of you Light, we'll always be together."

All I could think before I felt myself disappearing was, 'Why after all this time, am I submitting now? And why did L…whom said he wanted to protect me…force me through so much pain?'

* * *

Well, there you have it, the long awaited chapter! I hope you enjoyed it, and I hope to have the next chapter up as soon as I can! Fencing ends next week so hopefully I will have more time! (And be in less pain from when my friends are continually stabbing me when we are sparing...in areas that could possibly do permanent damage if I was a boy...thank God I am not! XD) Anyways, thank you so much for all of your support and reviews! You guys make me love writing. I get so excited to read them sometimes that I jump up in joy when I get home from school.

Alright then, until next time!

-Lexi-Chan


	14. Chapter 13

Yes, I finally updated! I am pleased to present Chapter 13 Of I'm Not Who I Think I Am because honestly, I love this chapter. I know how most of you were shocked about L's concerning behavior in the last chapter, well now I am here to tell you not to give up on him yet. I absolutely love L, and would never contribute him doing something that did not fully involve the plot. Don't worry, for all of you fan girls, he is completely justified in this chapter to answer your questions. This chapter has a ton of Light's thoughts and mostly angst. It's a really cute ending to the chapter as well, and I'm happy that it's a bit longer than usual. I wonder if you guys can figure out that I was listening to Linkin Park, since I use phrases such as: In the end, and Numb. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, it was fun to write, and I hope to continue having your guys' full support with my writing.

Anyways, on with the story! ^_^

* * *

Those Days That Past Couldn't Refuse

It had been three days since the incident, and I hadn't spoken a word. In my world, Kira was rebuilding, he was fixing the things within me that were no longer needed. I moved aside, it was his world now; his world to do whatever pleases him. What scared me though…were the looks he gave me, I could see that predatory stare, the way his eyes trailed across my form. I felt like there was always someone there, that I was going to be criticized with everything I did.

So, I stayed silent.

So, I never moved out of place.

So, I remained in the dark.

Like I was supposed to, I never spoke, I never looked at L. I was terrified, I was alone. Once again, hell became more and more of a future instead of a memory, and it was beginning to drag me down under the water, to lock me far away from everything I had ever known. I guess, in the end, it only makes sense that I would end up this way. I drove myself here.

I didn't blame L, I deserved the pain, I deserved all the merciless pain that I could receive. Maybe then, I could begin atoning for my sins. Though somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that was a lie. I could never make up for the things I did, I could never make up for everything that I caused.

When the door opened with a loud creak, my eyes shifted, but never met the form standing in the doorway. "Light." He said my name simply, but I just stared at the ground. I was numb now, I couldn't feel the heat emanating off of his form. I thanked Kira for this, I thanked him for being the poison in my blood. He crouched in front of me, staring at my face, and I just paid no attention. I wouldn't let him see my decision; I wouldn't let him see how submissive I had become.

"Who are you today?" He asked, and I craned my neck to the side, my wild eyes finally meeting his. I let my laughter fill the room, crackling, gasps of air, echoing through the small space. "Who am I? WHO AM I? Who are you, L? Who the hell are you?" L backed up, and I grinned, I was getting to him. "Who the hell do you think you are? I'm not a fool L, you can't make me believe that you burning me was out of love. How the hell was the affection? Tell me, how was that supposed to help?"

His eyes met mine, and I had to hold down a gasp as there was emotion in those stone cold eyes. "He has to die, Light." He whispered softly. "He has to die before you can finally be free." It seemed like I could see the gears shifting in his head. Had L finally lost it? Had I finally broke the detective? I was afraid of this man, this man that was no longer the L I knew. I had brought him here, to this cliff. Once again, it all led back to me.

"L." I whispered, "Let me go." I watched his form begin to shake, and his hands moved to hold onto his head. "I can't…I can't…not until he's dead! I can't let you out until he's finally gone! Until this case is finally over, I can't let the criminal get away!"

So, I was just the criminal.

Did I only mean that much to you L?

Wait, this wasn't L…

This was a fraction of the person I knew.

So, I was just a criminal to this fraction.

This small piece of my heart.

"I'm just a criminal…" I laughed half-heartedly, an expression of brokenness appearing on my face. "I know, how stupid of me to think any differently." How could I ever believe that it would be any different? This was L's true colors, this was who he was. A cold-blooded crime solver, heh, Kira knew it. He told me that, but I just wouldn't believe him. Well, now I do. Now I have seen it myself.

And Yet….

A small piece of my heart…

Can't seem to stop crying.

"Light." A voice whispered in my head, and I closed my eyes, feeling myself being dragged back into the darkness. "Light, you promised you wouldn't talk to him." He said sternly, and I stared down at the ground. Bending down, Kira pulled me into a tight embrace, and unlike I used to feel, I felt safe. "I told you, I promised you that I would keep you safe from him." He whispered in my ear, and I felt the weight on my shoulders getting heavier. Was this really all in my head?

His embrace was so warm…it was magnificent…it reminded me of…

L.

Why did Kira remind me of L? No, this was wrong! This is completely wrong! Forcing myself back out, I noticed that the room was empty, L wasn't there, and yet, I could still feel him holding onto me. "Light, what's wrong?" I heard a soft whisper, Kira was trying to break through. "Shut up!" I screamed, my nails digging into my neck. Shock overcame me as the pain subsided, and I realized what my nails were truly digging into. L was holding onto me, his arms wrapped tightly around me as I sat on the couch in his living room.

"Light, you wouldn't stop screaming, you were having a nightmare." My breath came out in uneven gasps of air. What…What did this mean…? My nails were stuck into L's arms, and I immediately pulled my arms back, looking at him in disbelief. A nightmare…

It was too real…

It just wasn't possible…

It couldn't have been a dream, could it?

"Light, are you okay now?" He asked softly, and I stared at him for a moment, unsure what to think. "I…I think so…" I murmured, surprised to not hear Kira's voice. "You were out for a while after you broke the mirror, I had to give you a sedative, remember?" A light blush crept across my cheeks as I remembered that moment. "So…I was asleep?" "Yes." He answered, and my eyes widened.

That whole time…everything…the betrayal, me giving in, everything had gone on inside my head. He moved, but I gripped his arm tightly, my eyes shifting around the room. "L…would you ever hurt me…?" I asked him, and watched those apathetic eyes widened. "No, Light. I wouldn't hurt you." He said softly, and my eyes fell to the ground. "Would you hurt me if Kira came out?" I asked simply, and I watched those eyes once again as they softened. "No, I would not hurt you, Kira or not, you are still my Light."

My Light…

He called me…

As he spoke, I felt my heart lift. I was something to him, I wasn't just a criminal, I was safe here. For now, I was. I pulled him into a tight hug, burying my face into his chest, and he wrapped his arms awkwardly around me. "Don't worry Light, you're safe."

I'm safe…

But that laughter in my head continued to echo as it had many times.

And I knew this battle I was fighting…

Was far from over, and I could tell by the beating of L's heart, that he knew that to.

Because all good hearts die young.

* * *

Well, there you all go! I hope that satisfied your lovey dovey hearts until I can come up with some sort of fluff for the next chapter! And see, L was never the bad guy. I'm sorry if you were expecting something different, or if you find the idea of it being in Light's head lame. I just didn't want to make L evil when he is clearly Light's only stability at the moment. So, here you go, and I hope to update soon. It's spring break for me, so I'm going to be relaxing once I finish with my dog sitting tomorrow. ^_^

Until next time - Lexi-Chan


	15. Chapter 14

Two updates in one week, am I awesome or what! Just kidding, though I am happy I updated quickly. This chapter sort of just came to me, and it almost seems like a filler, though it advances the plot, which makes me happier! Thank you all for your wonderful reviews on the last chapter, and for the songs you suggested, I will listen to them! During this chapter though, I was in more of a romance mood, though this has more plot than pointless romance in it, I was listening to A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton! ^_^ I hope you all enjoy this chapter, and please drop me a review if you have something you would like to say about it, or a way I could advance the plot quicker! XD

Anyways, on with the story! ^_^

* * *

I Can See The Light, But It's Dimming

Staring up at the ceiling, I wondered where exactly my pride was? How had it disappeared so quickly at such a fast pace? Had I really fallen this far…to lose what I was not so long ago. I felt a body beside mine, and I tilted my head slightly, watching L's chest as he inhaled and exhaled slowly. What do you know…the psycho sleeps…Well, I'm the one to talk. I reached out slowly, running a hand through the messy black tresses, watching him shift ever so slightly. Was this man really the only one left that remembered who I was, and still loved me for it?

Wait…love me?

Who am I to say that?

I turned back to the window, watching the sunlight trail across the ground, small birds chirping upon the trees. Nature does everything slowly, and yet it can always move on. So why can't I? Why can't I get past this…get past him? My hands rest at my sides, aching to scratch at the already closing wounds on my neck. When will it finally end? I don't notice him shift until his eyes are boring into the back of my head, and I tilt my head to the side, moving so that I could look at him.

"What is it…L?" I murmured softly. "Morning." 'Yeah, I got that.' It thought dully, and he shifted his arm wrapping around my own. "How are you today?" The way he phrased it reminded me of the past questions. 'Who are you today?' I blinked a couple times, staring at him for no particular reason other than to get a good look at the detective. "I'm fine." I said softly, watching a relieved look replace the cold and shadowed stare. "That's good." I merely nod, and he pushed himself to sit up in his usual manner.

"Hey, L…if I get better…will you send me back home with my parents…?" I ask, slightly curious, but still a dead tone ringing through my voice. "You mean when you get better." L corrects me, and I roll my eyes. "Whatever…" "Well, I assume that It'll be your decision, though I would prefer you live with me." My eyes widened, but I didn't let him see, I just pulled the covers over my face. "Liar." "I'm not lying, Light."

"Don't trust him…"

"I want to trust him, why won't you let me?"

"Because he'll lie to you, Light. I'm the only one you can trust."

"I'll never trust you."

I'll never trust Kira like I trust L.

I finally get up, stretching, moving away from the detective, pulling my arm out from around his. "I'm going to go make breakfast…" I stated, glancing back at him. "Watari can do it, if you'll wait twenty minutes." "No, I'm fine doing it by myself." I say, slowly walking past the large dining table and into the kitchen, getting to work. Finishing with everything, but the eggs, I began frying them, not truly aware of what I was doing. My hand grazed the pan on the burner, my fingers lingering on the hot surface. With a rush of something, I'll still not quite sure what, I placed my hand upon the surface, letting the sweet scent of burning flesh meet you nose.

I watched as my hand began to turn into a more charred pink, the skin tearing and blistering, my common sense completely obliterated. It felt wonderful, the burning sensation, like being trapped in a fire with no way out. Like finally dying, not having to live with such a struggle. "Light!" I heard a disgruntled voice, but I was too involved with the sweet pains the blistering skin was filling me with. My hand was quickly removed from my sanctuary, and I glared at the person responsible, which was non-other than L.

"What the hell were you doing, Light!" He demanded, and I just grinned sheepishly. I brought my hand to my face, seeing the way some of the blisters cracked open, blood running down my hand. I quickly licked at it, feeling the delicious red liquid start my slow beating heart. The sizzling after pain sent me into waves of if bliss, feeling Light continue to retreat into the darker parts of my mind. Why hadn't I tried burning sooner? Surely, It would have been easier!

I was snapped back into reality as a pale hand gripped my wrist, tugging my hand away from my face. A very disturbed looking L stood in front of me, his eyes narrowed as they met mine. "Kira, stop bothering Light." I chuckled. So, he could tell. "I'm not bothering him, L, I'm simply borrowing his body for a while." L was pulling me towards the bathroom, and I pulled back, wanting nothing more than to make Light continue retreating. "I need to treat your wounds!" He yelled, and I just continued laughing. "You mean his, to me these are nothing more that precious treats."

L stopped, and I analyzed his face as he turned. Suddenly I was pushed up against the wall, his hands on either side of my head on the wall. Lips met mine, my eyes softening slightly as I felt the pain In my hand dull, and Light pulling back on the surface, his eyes passing mine as he forced me back, and I cried out, wanting to remain in control. As soft lips pulled away, my eyes closed, feeling drained from fighting against Kira. "Light, are you okay…?" I didn't answer, just kept my eyes closed, panting, struggling to get my much needed breath.

"Light are you feeling ill…?" He didn't need to say anything else as I rushed towards the bathroom, bile filling my mouth as I tried to hold it in. Everything I had tried to eat last night rushed out into the toilet, and I clutched my stomach, heaving in choppy breaths. L was there though, beside me, rubbing my back in small circles. After a few minutes of silence, I got up, moving to wash my mouth out and brush my teeth quickly, not once saying a word to L.

"I'll finish breakfast, Ryuzaki." I said softly, walking back into the kitchen. Arms wrapped around my torso, preventing me from moving any further. "Light…I need to ask you something…or more so tell you…" I froze in place, curiosity winning me over.

"Light, I have to leave for a case for a few days." He said softly, and my eyes bore into the ground.

What would happen to me if he was gone?

How was I supposed to…

Live, move on, get rid of Kira…

Without him there…?

"Oh…" Was all I managed to say as I pulled away, but my arm was caught in a tight grip. "Come on, let's treat those wounds." He said, pulling me into the bathroom. Placing ointment and bandages around my hand. He glanced up, his eyes never meeting mine for more than a moment. "I'll have Watari watch you, you won't be alone." "No." I chuckled, feeling something rush out before I could stop it.

"If you're not here, I will be alone."

In that instant I realized how much I relied on this man.

And just the thought of it…

Made my conscious scream out.

* * *

*GASP* L is leaving! He's leaving him alone! WHAT WILL LIGHT DO WHEN HE IS NOT CONSTANTLY SUPERVISED? Watari has to work ya know! ^_^ Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, cookies to all who reviewed Chapter 13! They are super special chocolate ones too! I always love hearing what you guys think of the story, it makes me really happy. I start school up again next week, too bad spring break ended so shortly though. With the money I made with dog-sitting I bought Death Note Ryuk Book Ends, and A Death Note Bag with a Honey stuffed animal from Ouran Highschool Host Club! I rejoice in my love of anime! ^_^

Until Next Time - Lexi-Chan


	16. Chapter 15

Hello everyone, I got inspiration from a friend and thus this chapter was born. It turned out a little differently than I had normally planned, but I still enjoyed how it flows. I hope you really like it. It took me a while to get into the writing mood as recently I've been in a writing rut, so I hope this helps. Anyways, the song used it Cut by Plumb and it is an old yet still amazing song. I absolutely love it. Moving on, I tried to get away from the romance since it's kind of bothering me in a way, and try to focus more on action for those of you who are fans of it. ^_^

Anyways, on with the story!

* * *

If Death Do Us Part, I'll Die First

Earlier today, L had left, and I watched him go with nothing but a wave and a fake smile. Really now, how could I pretend after everything that happened? He was my lifeline, and now he was leaving me, leaving me in the dark. Though, I can't blame him. I brought this upon myself; after all I was just a murder. I didn't deserve any attention from my best friend, no, a detective befriending a murderer…? It was all a lie!

My hand slipped onto the razor I had been staring at for the past ten minutes, and my hand clutched the handle. I brought it across my skin, feeling the familiar sting that it always brought me. How had I denied myself of this bliss for so long? It was almost like I was drowning again, and I loved it. For the first time in the past couple of days Kira laughed, and I allowed him his time. If I was having my fun, why shouldn't he?

"So, L finally left you." I growled, glaring at the mirror that I was allowed to be near, but was now standing in front of. "No, he had a case to work on." Kira laughed, "Keep telling yourself that, Light." I sighed, wishing the pain would force Kira back, but it did nothing to stop him from continuing his maddening reign. He began using my voice to sing a song, a small and soft song that I figured he was using to bring my emotions out for him to play with.

"I'm not a stranger,

No, I am yours.

With crippled anger,

And tears that still drip sore.

A fragile frame aged,

With misery…

And when our eyes meet,

I know you see…"

"SHUT UP!" I screamed, clutching my head as I heard him continue whispering soft words to me.

"I do not want to be afraid…

I do not want to die inside just to breath in…

I'm tired, of feeling so numb.

Relief exists, I find it when…

I am cut…"

My arm flew back to punch my reflection, glass shattering, digging into my skin. Crimson on white, I knew that combination well. "Light, are you okay!" I heard a disgruntled Watari yell as he slowly walked towards the bathroom. "NO! Stay away from me!" I screamed, my eyes flashing as I grabbed the closest thing I had to a weapon, a large shard of broken glass. As he walked into the room, I ran forward, my body acting on it's own accord, letting myself fall subject to Kira. I didn't care, this darkness was comforting, and as long as everything was numb, I could care less.

I couldn't see what was happening, just felt the jolt of adrenaline run through me, piercing me in my soul. Seven minutes later, when I finally could gain control, I let out a long scream. It was loud, echoing off the white walls of the room outside of the one I was currently standing in. This was not right.

How could L…

Ever come to love me….

When I ruined everything with this one deed…

I stared down at the man on the ground, crimson liquid pooling around his gashed arm. Why did Kira want to hurt someone so badly…? Did I drive him to this? I clutched my head, my nails clawing against the skin around my temples, forcing blood to arise and leak down my face, my body beginning to shake. I was going to leave now, I needed to disappear. Watari was alive, I knew this, but right now I couldn't comprehend that he needed help, that was far in the back of my mind.

Diving into the bathroom I looked for anything that might help me, anything at all that could get rid of this feeling, that could take me far away from this place. I glanced over at Watari, at the gun in his belt, and grabbed it quickly, shutting the bathroom door and locking it. This would be it, I would never see him, I would never see that disappointed look on his face.

I was terrified of that look…

Terrified that he would hate me…

Terrified that maybe there could have been a chance…

And even more terrified that If I stayed conscious I would kill the man in the hallway.

I took the safety off, pressing the barrel to my scarred chest, feeling my finger latch onto the trigger. "If you do this, Light, he'll hate you more than he does now." It stung, it really did, but Kira was a liar. I would never trust Kira like I trusted L. That was what I had made myself believe all those months ago. Now was the time to use that knowledge. "We've come to an impasse, Kira. The only solution is for me to disappear along with you."

It's too late now…

I'm disappearing along side him…

"I'll see you in hell."

My eyes shut and my heartbeat echoed in my ears until the gunshot was the only thing I could hear. Everything faded, everything disappeared. Out of everything, the last thing I saw was L's face, and I wondered…

His smile is the only thing I have left…

That is the image I will take with me into eternity…

* * *

Well, there you go, Light shot himself and attacked Watari. It was a bit intense in some parts, so what do ya think? Don't worry, for those of you who believe Light is dead, I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but he isn't. Light is still very much alive, and so is Watari. To give you hope and want you to continue reading the next chapter, L walks in as he got back when he didn't get a call from Watari, and discovers something shocking. ^_^

Until next time - Lexi Chan


	17. Chapter 16

Yay, here I am with the awaited update! *Falls over* It took all of the energy I had left to write this. I am completely exhausted. In this specific chapter, it is written in L's point of view (Or Lawli-Pov. Call it what you will! ^_^), so you can get the feel of how L is right now. Anyway, I'm also thinking about making this chapter with Light's point of view because it would be interesting to see his internal battles that are going on while L can only imagine them. I hope this chapter fills your desire to know what happened, though the next one will also be a bit more intense like the last chapter due to my strange and violent impulses for this story. I hope you all enjoy this chapter, it was fun to write! ^_^

Anyways, on with the story!

* * *

Killing Me Softly

Walking through the main doorway, I glanced around, wondering why everything was so lifeless. I had not received the usual call from Watari, and did not want to wait another minute if this was something concerning Light. There was no noise, and that alone worried me. I stalked into the next room, setting my bags down and heading into the hallway. What I saw next, made me panic.

"Watari!"

I yelled, darting next to the conscious, yet in pain, man. "Watari, what happened?" I asked, not realizing the high-pitched anxiousness in my tone. "Light…he…" I stared down at his bleeding arm, immediately getting to work on tying a makeshift bandage to stop the bleeding.

Light…

Oh, God where was he…?

I glanced up at the closed bathroom door, but froze when I saw the liquid seeping out from underneath the closed door. Crimson…crimson on white… I forced my feet to move, stopping outside the door, and placing a small knock to the door. "Light…?" I didn't care that the blood was staining my bare feet, I wasn't fully aware of it right then. When no answer came, I grabbed the key from my pocket and quickly unlocked the door.

I didn't even have to open it an inch before the strong sent of blood hit my nose, and my eyes trembled. "Light…" I whispered, opening the door all the way, and I covered my mouth with my hand. Light laid there, his chest shot open, blood pooling out of the rather large bullet wound. His nails were died crimson from the blood that had leaked from the cut wounds on his forehead, and his body was twisted at an inhumane angle.

But even then…

That wasn't the most disturbing part…

His face was calm and peaceful, his eyes closed in an almost sleeping look. An angel covered with blood, a demon hidden behind auburn eyes. This was truly Light's true form. A sleeping being tainted by the blood of his victims. No, this wasn't Light. This was Kira, and he was laughing at me. I rushed over, my feet slipping in the pool, making me land in the large puddle of blood. Crawling over, I placed my hand on Light's bloody wrist, trying to find that small movement that would grant me my greatest happiness at that moment.

And it was there…

Jumping for joy, (On the inside of course…) I bolted up, kicking the weapon of Light's choice far away from the dying body, and picking his up in one swift movement. I didn't mind the glass that was on the floor, simply stepping around it, but stopping for a moment when I saw my own reflection. Black hair with red tinted eyes. I looked just like that murderer…I looked just like B.

Continuing out the door, I had to quickly decide how I was to help Watari and Light. I called the ambulance, needing for them to take Light and Watari much faster than I ever could. Once they arrived I got in the back, refusing to let go of Light's hand as they sat him down on the bed, treating Watari at the same time. A mask was placed over Light's face, and a tube was placed in his throat, trying to force air into him. "Breath, Damn it!" I growled, glaring at the heart meter they had hooked up next to him.

I can't lose him, not now, not after everything we've been through. I can't lose him to Kira. To me, to the greatest detective in the world, this would be the greatest loss of all time. If Kira died I would fail to solve my case, I would fail to save Light, and if Light died…there was nothing left L, the man, could live for.

Wait…that was wrong though…

I've lived this long just carrying on L…

Doesn't that mean I don't need Light to survive…

Heh, no, the world would be too dark without him…

Well, my world would be…

I smiled, realization sweeping over me. 'Please, Light…be okay…' I thought, watching his heart meter start to pick up, feeling relief fill me, but that relief was short lived. The second we got to the hospital they took Light to emergency, and I was not allowed to see him. An hour…two hours…four…they continued passing, almost as if Light was passing along with them. Finally, on the sixth hour, the man in the white suit emerged, giving me a well practiced smile.

"Well, he made it through the surgery just fine, but…" The doctor glanced around the waiting room, then back to me. "How about we head back to the room, and continue this conversation." I nodded, and as we entered the room, my heart almost stopped in my chest. Never had I seen Light as broken as he looked in that hospital bed. "Due to where the bullet hit, some of his nerves were damaged in his upper spinal cord, leaving him with no feeling in his arms, from his hands to his shoulders. I doubt he'll be able to recover from that since the damage done is rather alarming. There are no surgeries we could currently do to bring the feeling back."

I stared. For a long and utter moment of silence, I just stared from the doctor to Light, and then back. "I understand. Will he be awake soon?" The doctor gave a small smile. "The anesthetic will where off in two hours." I nodded as he left, and sat down beside the bed. Watari got away with just a gash in his arm that was quickly treated, and he was on his way home. Light however…it was obvious that he was not as lucky.

Why do you do this to me, Light?

Don't you know that you can't just die…

Not now, I won't let you.

I'll save you from Kira, this just isn't the way…

Two hours I would have to wait. Two hours before I could hear that voice or see those amber eyes move in my direction. I've waited all day, and yet…

Those two hours seemed to be the longest moments of my life.

* * *

Well, there you go. I hope all is going well in your lives, right now I feel like the past two days have been a living hell. School sucks. Anyway, moving on from my depressing mood, how are you all? Thank you so much for your reviews as they seem to feed me happiness every time I read them. I'm serious, I check back all the time to read them! XD I'll see you guys when I write the next chapter, can't wait to hear from you, and I enjoy responding to the ones I can when I have time. Thank-a-you!

Until Next Time - Lexi-Chan


	18. Chapter 17

Here you guys go, sorry it took me so long, I've been busy recently and at a loss of inspiration. My friend is now reading this story, and he refused to help me write this chapter, so please try to motivate him as well with any sort of review. Anyways, thank you all for the wonderful reviews, they made me extremely happy! ^_^ Many of you believed Light lost complete mobility of his arms, well do not fear, once you finish this chapter, I hope you will all be happier. Well...I'm not a huge fan of this chapter, but I had to type it all up from the four pages I had written at school, so...I hope it will suite your needs for the moment! XD

Thankies! :3

Anyways, on with the story!

* * *

In This Hell On Earth

It was all I could do to wait. To wait for the moment in time that my heart would finally stop beating, but I…I could no longer feel it. I no longer possessed the ability to feel a heart beating in my chest. Maybe that was my punishment? To never know if I survived. Maybe that's what it felt like to die?

"See, Light. I told you that you would never rid yourself of me." Kira giggled, "I'll always be here, even in death." I reached out, feeling him materialize in front of me. My fingers met cool, ruff skin, and I jerked my hand away.

"What do you want from me, Kira?"

"The same thing I've always wanted."

The same thing…

L's death…?

No, me…?

"What is it that you've always wanted?"

"Ask yourself Light, you know the answer."

Kira took a step forward and I was surprised by the hug I received. I was a fool, all too unaware of the true intentions behind it. My arms twisted, the skin breaking and cracking as blood began to gush out, spilling onto the floor. "This is payment, Light." "For what!…" I yelled behind a shrill scream of agony. "For betraying me, Light. Now, you will never feel his warmth again."

His warmth?

Who's…?

I couldn't remember.

My body started to convulse as more blood sprayed onto the ground, skin torn from bone. I screamed, the cracking of my voice tearing through my throat. I felt severed as though if I moved my arms, the bones would fall to the floor in a small pile. Seeing my own corpse before my eyes seemed to be a likely outcome of this event. "Remember now, this is my last warning." Liquid dripped from my bones, the veins dissolving into clear blue tears that refused to stop falling.

L…

I don't like it here…

I'm afraid…

No, I'm terrified…

L, please save me!

Before it's too late…

"Light!" My eyes flashed open, and I panted. I was alive? Damn it all to… "Hell of a dream?" L asked, and I almost laughed. Almost. "Where am I…? Like I even needed to ask, the white walls were all to much to be oblivious to. Wait…L…oh, God, L! "I'm sorry!" I squeaked, and watched his attitude ease. He had his guard down; otherwise he was impossible for even me to read. The apathetic detective only seemed to do this in my presence. Heh, didn't that make me feel special?

"It's okay, both you, and Watari are fine. That is the main thing." I slowly rotated my wrists, and shifted my arms, making sure they were still there. L seemed amazed by this simple action. "What?" I snapped, shooting him a glare. "You…can move your arms…?" He asked, and I snorted. "Of course I can, you idiot…" I muttered, and he moved forward, intruding on my personal space bubble, popping it in my face. He grabbed my arm slowly, and I stared at his hand.

"Can you feel my hand?" I shook my head. What the hell? It was like there was nothing there. "What about now?" He asked, moving his hand up to my upper arm. No, not there either. "I need a doctor!" L yelled out the door, and I heard the footsteps rushing towards our room.

Is this what Kira meant?

Would I truly never feel his warmth again?

How would I…

Survive without it…?

A doctor cam in, and I analyzed his nametag. "Kasuma, huh?" I thought absent-mindedly, spacing out. "You have made a mistake, Doctor Kasuma. Light can move his arms." I watched with slight interest as the doctor's eyes widened for a fraction of a second before returning to normal. "I assure you, my assumption was not wrong." L's eyes narrowed, and I watched in amusement. "Light, prove him wrong, please." I shrugged, rolling my shoulders, and stretching my arms our above my head for emphasis.

"But…" Damn, I wish the doctor could have been smoking a lovely cigarette at that moment, so I could watch it fall right out of his mouth. Maybe it would start a fire…wouldn't that be lovely? L cleared his throat, snapping me from my post-pyromaniac thoughts, and I yawned boredly. "You were half correct doctor, Light didn't lose total mobility, his nerves have just bin numbed, so he is unable to feel anything."

The doctor hummed thoughtfully, then shrugged. "I suppose you are right, though I still don't fully understand how…" He left to check medical records, and I stared at the bed. L sat at the edge, his eyes narrowed as he stared back at mine. "Don't you ever try something like that again! It was a mistake to leave, so I take half the blame, but you…you could have died!"

My eyes were unmoving, and minutes of finalized silence filled and fluttered about the room.

Mine finally lifted to meet his black coal-like orbs, and I took in a deep breath.

"That's what I was hoping for."

Kira giggled, "My wonderful Light, you will finally be mine. I'll make sure of that."

The scary thing was…

I knew he would.

* * *

Well, there you go, I hope you all enjoyed it! ^_^ I honestly am trying to figure out where this is going, and like I said earlier, if my friend would have just helped me today this chapter would have gone a bit more smoothly! (You know who you are, Lulu! ^_^ JK JK) Anyway, I hope you enjoyed, and I will try to update as soon as possible. Thank you all for reviewing, everytime I read them I feel a little bit more happy, and they truly do make my day. It's nice to know that my writing can make others happy. Thank you! ^_^

Until Next Time!

-Lexi-Chan


	19. Chapter 18

Hey everyone, I updated quickly this time! Thank you all for your wonderful reviews, and don't worry, my friend ended up helping me a bit with inspiration for the story, so you can thank him for this fast update! ^_^ Anyways, I'm glad to see that you all are passionate about this story, I loving hearing others opinions, they are always interesting. A big inspiration for this was the song I stumbled upon called Hear Me Now by Framing Hanley, I was listening to it as I wrote. I actually wrote this chapter in math class, I never pay attention, but I have an A. Strange huh? I'm even in honors!

Anyways, on with the story!

* * *

Eternal Damnation

I hated it. I hated this place. I felt like if I stayed here one more moment I would die. Then again…that was what I wanted after all. It would never happen though, not in this hell. Not in this place where they would keep bringing me back from my solemn dream. No, no in this place where Kira could survive, no matter the circumstances. They say they know me here. Everyone thinks they do, but they can't hear his voice like I do. The therapists say it's a multiple personality disorder. Heh, how right they are, but to me, it's more like a multiple soul disorder. Is that even a clinical term? They say they can fix me. That medication will solve everything

To hell with medication!

I can still hear his voice.

His laughs and remarks…

They burn like a lighter against my skin,

And I crave for the feeling of melting flesh.

It drives me mad that it is something that Kira can only give me.

"Light?" It's the therapist again, how very charming. "How are you today?" The tall woman asks, a pair of unwelcoming and professional glasses resting on the bridge of her nose. The white lab coat she wore seemed to camouflage into the white walls. Suddenly, I felt very much like a rat in a cage, ready to be tested on by these human enemies. Why was everyone more humane than me? Was I really so low that I was considered an animal? "I'm fine…" I whispered, letting Kira's deep and reassuring tone fill my voice. "Let me rephrase the question." She started, taking a deep breath.

"Who are you today, Light?"

The second those words slipped into my mind, a bursting scream of agony released itself from somewhere deep in my throat. L… L used to say the same things… Everyday…. Every damn day! The cell, the blood, the beautiful blood! I hadn't felt my feet touch the smooth tile underneath the bed I had been sitting on, nor had I heard the shouts of terror that escaped the woman's lips. Her tremors were like granted refreshments after a long run, and I didn't understand the situation any more than a blind man in a room full of people. No, I just wanted to murder the one that repeated those words.

The ones I had buried deep in my soul.

The words that meant to world to Kira, but terrified me.

Blood coated my hands, dripping off of my fingernails as I continued to tear at her flesh, tugging at the porcelain skin at the base of her throat. I needed to rid her of her weapon; I needed to take away that dreaded voice that continued to echo in my head. I could see her scarlet painted nails as she dug them cruelly into my arms. Really now? Resistance now is only going to make it that much more drawn out. I couldn't feel the pain, so what good could that possibly do? "I need a sedative!" A witness yelled from the hallway, and a second later, a strong pain entered my side. I felt myself falling forward, onto the female's now rugged and torn body.

A second before the blackness met my eyes; I thought I owed it to her to answer her final question.

An answer in exchange for her voice.

An even trade.

"Kira." I whispered. Yes, today I was Kira.

When my eyes finally opened, they were met with the harsh light of the sun creeping through the window in the hospital room. A hand suddenly gripped my throat, crushing my Adams apple, creating an uncomfortable lump in my throat that prevented me from breathing in the stale air. I stared up, wide eyed at my soon to be strangler. "Light-kun?" Yes, this was wonderful. I smirked, shaking my head. His grip tightened, "Kira-kun." It was a statement, and meant to be one. Meant to be a wonderful one. "Nice…to see….you again, L…" I choked out, trying to let a giggle pass. "Did…you like your…present?" L's dark eyes grew even colder. "I don't like it when Kira-kun kills Light's therapists."

"I wish I could, but…I can't…take credit…for that one…" L watched me intently, and I smirked even more at the attention. Oh, how much I craved it. "What do you mean?" My smirk only widened, "Light…was in control…the whole time…" I let a strangled chuckle escape my lips at L's sudden change in expression. "Why should I believe anything you say?" I laughed, my chest rising up and down rapidly, the loss of air suffocating me.

Hook, Line, and sinker!

"Because I know everything about Light!" I spoke, his grip finally loosening enough for me to get a gasp of air. "I am him, and he is me. You will never be able to separate one soul." Even for me, the look in L's eyes was quickly becoming frightening. He leaned forward; his lips inches from my ear, nails followed my slim fingers digging into my throat. "I will tear you out of him." He whispered, "I will engrave my name into his soul, so you many never taint it with your wickedness again." My eyes widened, "And how do you plan to do that, my misguided Lawliet?"

L's smirk widened to a size much larger than even my Cheshire grin. His eyes were of a feral animal, wild and crazed. Seizing its prey with welcoming talons as it dove down into a field of blood. Perfect. The image made me shiver with delight.

"You'll see, Kira. You'll see."

I knew I would….

And I couldn't resist the challenge…

It was time for these childish games to end…

And for the real fun to finally start!

But that would all have to wait until I've checked off the first box on my checklist.

To finally force Light Yagami into submission.

"Close your eyes now my dear as we enter the gates to …"

"Eternal Damnation."

* * *

Well, there you have it! ^_^ I hope you enjoyed having Kira back in the game, though most of you probably wanted him gone, but where would the fun be in that...? I'm sure some of you are wondering where the fluff monster has gone, but don't worry, he will be back sometimes soon. (Lulu dislikes fluff very much, that's why he didn't want to help me in the first place... :3) So, anyway, I hope to have the next chapter up soon as well, I already started working on it. (In math class again, of course. No wonder my teacher threatens to take away my notebook. ^-^) Well, good luck to all of you in your own lives, and please drop a review if you have the time and dug the chapter. Thankies!

Until Next Time!

-Lexi-Chan


	20. Chapter 19

Hello again everyone, I enjoy where this is going, but it seems like this story keeps going on and on...I have no idea how many chapters I'm going to make it...probably around 24-ish...I don't know! ^_^ I wanted to say though, that the friend that is helping me with this story and I are now currently together. *Cheers* Anyways, that makes me extremely happy, and should also help with my want to continue this story. Moving on, I hope you enjoy this chapter, there is quite a bit of Kira...so, I suppose he deserves his own warning. And to the people that reviewed, I thank you! X3 I'm sorry for those of you that want it, but no, there will be no lemon in this story. I enjoy fluff, but lemon is bad for my mental health to write.

Anyways, on with the story!

* * *

Under The Glass

Blood was everywhere. On my hands, my face, coating my eyes in crimson. Life was far off, mixing with the air that my lungs craved. I couldn't receive it, the air was too pure. My lungs cracked, tearing to pieces in my chest, sun pouring over my face. Don't give me the light, I don't deserve it! I just want darkness! My hair falls over my eyes as I struggle to move out of the light that has cast itself upon me. My arms lay limp at my sides, slashed up, crimson against white.

Roses lay around me, white dyed red, blood mixed with wine. I open my mouth, believing that my soul will escape for air, but it doesn't, it remains. I don't understand why, I can't comprehend it. A chance to survive above, a life away from the body, but it stays. I smile, the edges of my lips tugging up, the rouge liquid filling my mouth. It's air within it, but I can't breath, not now when I'm so close. Slowly, my eyes shut, and I feel my thoughts stray.

I see an angel, and I smile.

It's wings are black…

Time passed again, surprisingly faster than I ever would have thought. L's home was as welcoming as ever, well, more welcoming than the dreaded white walls of the hospital. Light hated it, that was something we both had in common. I could see him now, watch as his eyes turned a cold, stale auburn. "Why, Kira…?" He would whisper over and over again, his voice drowned out by blood and glass. "Why? Why else?" I would retort, and his body would begin to convulse with wonderful tremors. How beautiful he was like this, trapped here.

His body was torn, skin hanging off of thin and frail bones. He looked like a fallen angel, wings spread and ripped to shreds behind him in the crimson water. The site alone gave me chills of pleasure. Never had I seen something more disturbingly beautiful. His tears tasted of blood and glass, a taste I was beginning to crave, and knew I would never be able to shake off. It was like rain when you've had a six-month summer.

"Light…don't you see this is where you belong? Under this glass, perfectly preserved…hidden here I know you won't end me. Hidden here, you are mine and mine alone." He screamed, but the water around his body made it die down, suffocating him. "I'll kill L for you, I'll make your dream come true. Once he's gone, I'll have my Light back."

I swear I will…

So, he can't bother me anymore…

So, he can't take you away from me…

My eyes opened to the sound of bowls clanking in the kitchen, and I glanced around the empty room. I walked into the kitchen, rubbing my head, easing out the knots in my hair. "Does Kira-kun want something to eat?" I smiled, "Wow, I never thought L would offer his mortal enemy a bowl of cereal." His chuckle matched my own. "I need to feed Light, it's his body, remember? Or maybe you forgot, you parasite!"

A parasite…

A monster living inside of its host, eating it slowly from the inside out…

Yes, that was an accurate accusation.

"No, I'd never forget that." But, I already have. I sat down at the table, waiting for the food to be placed in front of me. When the bowl of cereal was placed before me, I smiled, instantly digging in. I never got to taste food, Light wouldn't let me, he kept me under lock and key. This all seemed to be knew. "It's yummy…" I murmured, and chuckled at L's expression. "What? I've never had cereal before." I said sternly, giving him my best death glare. He just chuckled, "Mass murderer, Kira, has never eaten one bowl of cereal?" "I guess not." I said, shrugging.

Why? Was cereal something that common?

After I had finished the bowl, I passed it to L, and he quickly put it away. "So, what's on the agenda today?" I asked softly, curious as to when this game was going to start. "Well, we'll see when you pass out."

What?

What was that supposed to mean!

Suddenly, my body felt weightless, almost like I was falling quickly down a flight of stairs. I slipped from the chair, curling up on the floor, my eyes quickly becoming glazed over and dazed. "You…" I whispered, my eyes slipping shut as my body finally gave up on me. I heard L chuckle, and suddenly his voice was all too close to my ear. "Ready to begin the game, Kira?"

I'm sleeping now, though my eyes aren't closed.

Through the darkened life he rose.

Slipping farther out of control,

Into the waters of the patrol.

I'm smiling now, though my mouth is straight.

Through the darkness of hell's gate.

Changing now at any rate,

Will certainly seal my fate.

I'm wondering now, though my eyes are dull.

Through the darkness, I feel his pull.

Wondering, losing, who I am,

Thrown out in the snow like a long lost lamb.

I'm laughing now, though no sound comes out.

He's running through my mind in route.

Only time will tell when this game will end,

And my will to live will bend.

I feel discarded, like there's something he wants that I just don't have.

Waking up was harder then I ever expected, even with Light under the glass it was hard to remain in control of my actions. I felt alone, almost like this was my own body. That was what I wanted from the start wasn't it? No, I didn't want to kill him…I just wanted him to belong to me. For me to be able to have him see life through my eyes, through my pure eyes. His judgment was tainted, filled with thoughts of that horrid detective.

But no…

No longer will I allow him to confuse Light, to taint his body with his hands.

I simply won't allow it!

"So, Kira finally woke up." I knew that voice, and I turned, feeling a familiar metal on my arms. This room again? I glanced up at him, frustration in my voice "What he hell do you plan on doing to me?" I asked, my voice seeming bored and uninterested. "I heard…" He started, "That mental pain never goes away, where as physical pain heals…" Slowly, L bent down in front of me, his eyes level with mine. "I want to see if that's true."

He left, and a moment later, my head was met with the barrel of a gun. "You're going to shoot me?" I glared at the gun as if it was a disease. "No, I'm going to shoot myself." He said, and I felt Light stir, I felt him hit the glass. "Wouldn't that be a bit contradictory? It would have the opposite effect. I want you to die." L smirked, and I felt the feeling in the pit of my stomach that always appeared when L gave that cruel smile.

I realized now that it was…

Fear…

A paralyzing and antagonizing fear of this man.

The man I wanted so desperately to kill.

"But Light doesn't." He said sternly, and held the gun to his forehead. "No!" Light screamed, breaking through as L's finger slid onto the trigger. "Don't do it L!" He yelled, and I fought to keep him back, his body pushing forward, trying to break the restraints that kept him secured against the wall. "Shut up, Light!" I screamed, the glass had broken, and the water was quickly rising.

I held him down, I forced Light to stay where he was. My nails dug into his throat, breaking the skin of his jugular, and watching the blood trickle down my fingers. "I said shut up." I whispered to him, and his eyes opened, blood running down his chin. "But, L…" "Shut up!" I screamed, thrashing at his face furiously, my nail catching his eye, causing it to instantly become filled with blood. It dripped down his cheek, but no pain was evident. In fact, Light was smiling.

"Kira…you are scared…I understand." He whispered softly, grabbing my wrist and throwing it off of his throat. "But you have to listen to me sometime." He whispered softly in my ear, and that was the last thing I heard before I felt something tear through me, straight to my heart. "Good night, Kira." He whispered, but his voice was far off as I plummeted into the glass filled water, watching it reassemble itself above me.

Finally I was in control…

Finally Kira was under the water, drowning on his own memories….

I glanced over at L, watching him set the gun down and walk over to me, arms wrapping around my torso.

Warm…

He was so warm…

"Light…" He whispered, "I'm so happy you're back."

I said nothing; just let the moment stay the way it was. It would be the memory I would send to Kira.

I would make sure he felt the torture.

I would make sure that he endured all hell had to offer.

And I alone, would take him there.

* * *

Well, there you have it! I hope you enjoyed it, and drop me a review if you dug this chappie!

Until Next Time!

- Lexi-Chan


	21. Chapter 20

Hello everyone, sorry for the long wait! ^^ I was a bit distracted while writing this chapter, seeing as I wrote the beginning on a Mt. St. Helens field trip on a bus with fifty one other teenagers! It gets pretty noisy! Anyways, I buckled down today and finished this chapter. I'm fairly proud of this chapter, and Light's dad gets to express his judgmental feelings towards homosexuality. Heh, sounds fun right? Hope that was enough to make you want to read it! :3 This plot seems to be coming to a close in these next few chapters, and I hope that you all enjoy the little that is left of this story, well, I think there's only a little left. I'm planning on 24 chapters...don't know for sure yet!

Anyways, on with the story!

* * *

What Lies Beneath

From then on, and the mornings to follow, I kept myself sane. I kept myself above the water, above the devil in disguise. He still talked to me, yes, but he could not form sentences, for the water filled his lungs. L, though happy, seemed different. Just content? I couldn't tell. "What's wrong, Light?" I snapped out of my daydreaming to look over at the soul purpose of my life. "Nothing." I murmured, but he saw through it. He always did. He came to sit beside me, pulling me to him, my head resting against his tone chest. "I would like to know what's bothering you, Light. Care to tell me?"

I looked down, I couldn't tell him. "Actually…" I started, hoping my voice didn't falter as I pushed myself up, my eyes level with his. "I'd like to know what it is that's bothering _you_." Suddenly, like always, soft lips met mine. My thoughts began to stray, my resolve disappearing. How long had it been since I'd felt this alive? This wanted? "Nothing at all." He whispered in my ear, pulling me in for an even tighter hug. "Everything is perfect as long as you are here. As long as Light is here, I'll always be happy." I felt heat run to my cheeks, and I closed my eyes, hiding my face in his chest.

"I love you, L."

I admitted everything…

I put my life on the line…

What would his answer be?

A small, light, ringing of a chuckled met my willing ears. It filled my senses, making me smile unconsciously. "I love you too, Light. More than you will ever know." I hadn't realized that tears were falling, that I had enough control over my body to contain the ability to cry. My arms felt like dead weight as I hugged him, unable to feel his warmth through them, but knowing it was still there. Just under the pale skin was a world of crimson warmth. A world I wanted to drown myself in.

"Thank you." I whispered, my voice and body beginning to tremble. Thank you… Was that all I could say? I narrowed my eyes, feeling pain shoot through my head, and I gripped it, my fingernails digging into my temples, wanting to rip them out. It was a loud piercing noise, penetrating my eardrums, causing me the pain I so much craved. "Enough, Light." That wasn't L's voice…no…this voice was much louder. "It's shameful." I turned; looking from L's almost frozen expression to the man I had not seen in a very long time. "Dad…?" In his hand he held a gun, aimed straight for me, but I figured that the noise had been from a blank round. "Get away from L now, Light." He said sternly, and I looked to L for guidance.

He looked just as blank as I did, and those coal like eyes narrowed at my father. "How did you find us, Yagami-san? No, more importantly, how did you get in?" I watched him, his wrinkles growing deeper by the second as his eyebrows furrowed. "Watari-san let me in." He said simply, "He called and told me that Light was staying here after I asked if I could see my son that I hadn't been able to see in over a year." His voice was ruff, filled with disgust. "Then I come in, and this is what I see." I flinched at his tone that was clearly directed towards me.

I slowly moved off of L, standing up on shaky legs. "Dad…you…" He shook his head, "You are coming home with me Light, I will not tolerate whatever it is that has obviously happened between the two of you." L stood up, standing in front of me protectively. Had it been in any other situation, I would have been focusing on how happy I was that he was protecting me. No, not now. "Yagami-san, I believe Light is old enough to decide on his own what he wants to do in life. Sexual preference is also his own decision."

I had never seen my dad more pissed than he was now. "I see what you're doing, L. You still suspect Light is Kira though the killings have long stopped. That's why you're getting close to him! You're taking advantage of my son to get a confession out of him!"

A moment lost in time…

As glass and debris shattered everywhere…

A vase of roses left to die on the floor…

While L knocked it off the table…

"That's enough!" L yelled at him, and my eyes widened. L never raised his voice like that…something was horribly wrong. "The Kira case is over, Yagami-san. It's been long over! You have no business in my home, and you have no business with my Light. If you believe for one second that I am taking advantage of him, then you can give up on being a police officer. You are supposed to provide justice, what kind of justice are you giving right now, Yagami-san? Who are you to pass judgment on others?" I backed up behind him, my hands trembling. That brought me back to a different time, a time where things were much simpler. The boredom, the Death Note, the will to rid the world of criminals. Yes, a much easier and simpler time. It seemed like I was a different person then, well, I was. At that time I was Kira.

Dad moved to look at me, and then back at L, his gun lowering. "I just…want my son back…" He whispered softly, tears brimming in the corners of his eyes. "I just want the old Light…" The old Light…? He wants…Kira back? He wants… I fell back, hitting the ground with a thump, my form shaking. L quickly bent down by my side, trying to shake me back into awareness. He knew, he knew that I believed it. That I believed Kira was better. L was the only one who knew that, and he always would be the only one.

Kira was the better me. He was stronger, he didn't cry, he didn't hide behind weak smiles, he told beautiful lies. I was the weak one, the one father didn't like, the one that even I believed, L looked down. I couldn't do anything on my own, I couldn't function normally. I was insecure, I was afraid. I felt fear, Kira didn't. I felt pain, Kira didn't. I loved L…Kira…Kira could never love L like I did. That was the only thing I was better at; loving the man that kept me alive.

The relationship almost seemed like a child dependent on it's mother, and the thought made me laugh. A loud and crazy ringing that echoed throughout the apartment, forcing both L and father to cringe. Yes, it was a realization that brought me to this point. A realization that brought a great downfall. The glass was breaking, melting away to become the water surface once again, and Kira stirred. L turned, glaring at dad. "See what you've done…" My eyes were distant as I watched Kira stand before me, blood dripping off of his limbs. "See, Light. They want me more than they want you." He walked forward, taking my trembling body into his arms, making his way over to the water's edge.

"In this life there is many decisions we make Light. Some take us to higher places, some make us fall like fallen angels. You are my angel light, and as such you need to fall before we are able to reach a higher place. A place where you and I can live together happily. A place where we can stop fighting.

A place where I own you…

A place where you are only mine…

A place where your will is my wish…

"Until that day, Light. Until they finally break my will to consume you. I will always keep you contained. I will always keep you here. For as long as I possibly can." I placed Light in the water, watching him sink to the bottom, his body unmoving, his eyes on mine. Water filled his lungs, and I watched in joy as he began to suffocate. "Goodbye my Light, I promise to take care of L for you."

I knew that the second I opened my eyes, the glint of metal would be there, and that if I truly wanted to, I could aim that glittering metal at L's head and pull the trigger.

When I finally came to the very surface, and my eyes stabilized. Light's father was nowhere in sight, and L was gone. I pushed myself up off the ground, only to feel the cold metal against the back of my head. "You're not my son." I cocked my head back, smiling up at the man Light called family. "No, Yagami-san. I am Kira."

Well, at least for now.

Until I can make myself believe that I was Light.

If I could believe that…

Then everything was under my control.

Somewhere though, in the back of my mind…

Light had screamed.

I laughed. How beautiful.

* * *

Well, there you have it, another chapter wrapped up. I must say that I am proud of this chapter, though Kira is a bit possessive towards the ending. It's only going to get more angsty and violent from here on out so if you don't want to take a ride on the angst train, I would get off now. Thank you very much though, for all of the reviews. When I began writing this story, I never dreamed that it would ever be popular, so your reviews have proved to me that I am a better author than I first believed. I'm pretty much a pessimist.

Drop me a review if you dug it! ^^

Until Next Time - Lexi-Chan


	22. Chapter 21

Okay, hello everyone! Sorry for the long wait, I was slightly distracted with my 8th grade graduation, and with my boyfriend being out of town there really was no inspiration! Anywho, I forced myself to sit down and write this chapter last night! The inspiration came from the song: My Obsession by Cinema Bizarre, you will see bits and pieces of the lyrics scattered throughout the chapter. Ummm...this chapter is fairly gory, thus not for the weak of heart or stomach for that matter. I hope you all enjoy as it took me a while to want to write this chapter for just lack of any...motivation. Thank you all for the reviews, they keep me writing! ^^ By the way, please check out this poem that Jagga wrote about this story, it is truly epic! /s/7063680/1/Im_Not_Who_I_Think_I_Am_Poem

Anyways, on with the story!

* * *

Don't Fall If You Can't Withstand The Landing

I stared at him, my thoughts leading back to the beginning. How bored I was. How afraid I was to do anything about it. "I only wanted what was best…" Kira's earliest memories told me. "I only wanted to make Light happy." I felt a strangled laugh leave my throat. Oh, yes, of course Kira. Of course that's all you've always wanted. What a lie that was. Maybe at the time, his intentions were innocent, but no, no longer were they. It hurt to know how twisted he was now.

If you want me to listen…

Whisper…

I couldn't hear him any other way, it was impossible.

He always knew that he would win, and he would do so by killing the only man that kept me alive. The only man that truly respected me, that truly loved me. Well, that I believed loved me. Please…if there is a God, not one of death, but a true angelic God that you will save L.

I smiled up at the man Light called father, and chuckled. "Yes, you'll do just fine." I giggled, reaching up and clutching the man's neck, throwing him onto the ground. Cutting off his airway, I chuckled, placing my true words closely to his ear. "How does it feel, Yagami-san. To die by your son's hands?" He struggled, "You're…not…my son…" I grinned, "Aren't I?" L was nowhere in sight, obviously going to retrieve some sort of weapon and or medication for when Light woke up. Too bad he was never going to wake up again.

It felt good, the blood that dripped under my fingernails as I clawed into the prey before me. Two minutes later, it was just a carcass, but no, I wasn't finished. I continued digging, continued tearing at the flesh, wanting to leave nothing but a strangled mess behind me. I wanted this to be a sign to L, that I was stronger than ever, that he could no longer control me. I was going to be God, and there was nothing he could do about it. Light was screaming, I could tell, and that only drove me on, torn up skin sticking in between my nails. Blood drained out onto the ground, creating a puddle around my body. I smirked, placing my hands in it, collecting it. Slowly, I lifted my hands up, drizzling it across my face and down my body, wanting to coat every crevice with the wonderful rouge liquid.

How beautiful I imagined Light would look, coated in this true bliss. Yes, he would look like a God worthy to stand by my side. I would make him into one, one way or another. I tore through the remnants of the body, seeking the thing I truly wanted, the thing my nails could not reach alone. I took the barrel of his gun, shooting bullet after bullet into the chest of the corpse, digging my nails into the wounds, tearing the skin and flesh away. The muscle was smooth, and easy to rip out, and I smiled when my hands finally met the slimy once beating organ. Tugging it out, I held it up, idolizing what was once a living thing.

How beautiful death truly was, how amazing. I held it to my lips, inhaling the sweet scent, closing my eyes as it became all to much. I gripped the gun, placing it at the center of the sweet organ. "I pray that all goes well for you in hell, Yagami-san." I murmured, pulling the trigger, only more happy to see the blood shoot out, coating my clothes. Yes, today was truly a remarkable day. A day worth knowing as the day that the long awaited God finally returned to his kingdom. I heard what sounded like glass shattering, and turned back, facing the next man on my list. I feigned a shocked expression, pulling my madness to a new extent. "L…I…"

Yes, make him believe you are Light.

"I don't understand…I…" I gripped my head, screaming loudly, blood draining down into my eyes, creating crimson tears. I continued screaming, falling back away from my bloody prize, huddling together, shaking. I did everything Light was doing under the water, my image a perfect mirror. L stared, glancing from my hands to the slashed corpse. "Light…why…?"

Yes, that's right. I am Light Yagami.

I didn't answer, waiting for Light to do something more, something that would make this act completely believable. "L…I…I don't understand why this is happening!" He screamed, agony coming out in his voice, a loud high pitched and rough scream. One after the other they fell from my blood stained lips, and I felt the feeling of something right beside my face. I moved my hands away from my face to see L's, so close, I almost felt my heart flutter. Though, I knew it was just Light. Soft lips met my bloodstained ones, and a pill slipped from his mouth into mine, hurriedly following the blood trail down my throat. The last thing I saw in those few minutes was L's blood covered smile.

Voices echoed around my head, and I gripped it, wondering, thinking, screaming.

Wrap your name in lace and leather.

I can hear you, you don't need to talk…

The pain in his voice echoed in mine, and I could see Kira standing, staring down at me. "You are mine, Light." He murmured, and he did something I was never suspecting. He fell forward, crashing into the water, sinking down to land right above me, his smile serine. "I love you, my fetish, my religion, my confusion, my confession." He whispered, and he moved forward, pulling me to him. Before I could make any sign of rejection, I was restricted. Bloody lips met mine, drowning me in my own mind.

Kira was…an obsession.

Once you started, you could never stop.

And I…I could never resist…

Waking up to bright lights, I glanced around. Yes, Light was entirely mine. Restraints were connected to my wrists and ankles, and I stared at the bars of the cell I was in. "Now, Kira-kun. I'm afraid you just can't keep yourself from murdering innocent people." I played my part, but I had to play it better. "L…I'm Light!" I pleaded, my eyes wide an innocent. "Please believe me, I'm Light!" No, my part wasn't perfect enough, L was seeing through the cracks. "Light would have stopped begging by now, he would have accepted that I was not to believe him. Why do you try so hard, Kira?"

"I'm not Kira! Stop bringing him up!" I looked down, forcing tears to my eyes. "I want to feel your warmth L…please don't keep me here." I whispered, keeping my eyes trained on the concrete floors. "I am sorry, Light." He said, and the thought made my body shiver. Yes, I was Light. "But I can't trust who you are anymore." My eyes widened, "What…" L smiled, "You both play that part so well that's it's difficult to know anymore." Light was shaking, his body shifting in agony under the water.

I told you, Light.

That he would betray you when you needed him most.

"You're scaring him, you know." I hissed, breaking the act. "He's terrified of you." L smiled again, a sickening smile that I could see from the cell door. "Or is it that Kira is terrified of me?" He asked hesitantly, and I glared. "You don't eve-" My words were cut off with a scream that tore from my lips, Light attempting to get above the glass, to break through it. I kept screaming, though in agony, pleased to see the concerned expression on L's face.

"No matter what you do, L." I hissed, trying to maintain composure. "You'll never save him. You'll have to kill both of us in order to defeat the monster you hate so much, though in the end, you are the true monster here."

Let us make a thousand mistakes,

Cause we will never learn.

* * *

Thank you all for reading, and once again, I'm sorry for the long wait! ^^ Hope you review if you liked it, and I hope you all are having a wonderful summer!

Until Next Time - Lexi-Chan


	23. Chapter 22

Okay readers, Fanfiction is blocked on my computer due to my lovely parents, do I had no choice but to type up a somewhat relevant almost filler type chapter to keep you amused until this problem is resolved. I'm uploading this on my parents computer, since it's the only way I can update now. Forgive me for the horribly long wait, I hope I still have some fans out there while the plot continues to advance in my head. I hope you all are having a wonderful summer, and I should have the next update soon! (The next chapter will be more relevent to the plot)

In this chapter you actually get a chance to imagine what it was like with Kira and Light before they made any contact with L, and of course, a warning for Kira's possesiveness and obsessiveness.

Anyways, on with the story! ^^

* * *

**"I Will Consume…Everything…"**

I had to fix it, to correct the kinks in the perfect mask I wore. I was to become Light Yagami, to convince the world that Kira had been slain. That was the only way Kira could survive, to live on without any threat of death. Kira would live on in justice, while Light suffered silently behind glass walls. My idea was perfect, now all that was left to do was to execute it perfectly.

A porcelain doll tainted in crimson…

With lashes so femininely sweet…

He was beautiful, and he was mine. My doll, my pawn, my gate to freedom. If only L believed I was him. If only L could see that I was better than Light. If only L found his sick pleasure of love in another person. Light kept screaming, but I…I would never stop. Not until L was truly dead, not until I saw that letter coated in crimson slip from the balcony of his window. Only then would I be able to spread my justice across the world. Taking his name, taking his life that was lost to him.

I keep Light locked away, bound by the thorns of life that tie him to me. The sight of him from above, staring down at him through the glass and crimson tainted water is…

Breathtaking…

His beautiful pale mocha skin is torn apart, small thorn vines holding him down, wrapping around his body, keeping him still. They trailed across his lovely face, leaving simmering cuts across those delicate cheeks that only seemed to highlight those beautiful bleeding eyes. The fire in them was long gone, replaced with only a dead, stoic, expression. Lifeless voice torn from screaming endlessly through the nights.

Calling out for L…

Calling out for our enemy…

Calling out to the purpose of all his pain…

Why did he crave him? Was I not enough to keep him company? Was I not enough to keep him warm? L heard him; I know he did, because I projected his voice. I was Light, I did as Light did. Even if it mean lowering myself to Light's level, crying out to my enemy. To our enemy…

I stepped down from my thrown, gazing down at the restrained man. "Why have the mighty fallen, my dear evil angel? Why have you let yourself be blind sighted to Heaven's trickery? Well…no more…" I slipped my hand through the glass, breaking it with my contact, not caring about the stinging it made on my skin. It was worth it to feel the soft skin under mine, running my pale fingers against my copy's cheekbones. So delicate, like a crimson rose.

But it was mine….

Only I was allowed to see it's beauty…

I would ingrain that thought into every fiber of L's body, so that he may never touch what is mine again. My nails dug into the soft skin of Light's back, rewarding me with a pained gasp from the lifeless body. As he lay under me, memories started to play in my head. Blood ran to the surface of the wounds, and it reminded me of the games we used to play, the pain we used to share, fueling my innermost desires.

It was memories of those times that made me shiver with delight while they forced Light to cry out in his sleep. A mixture of pain, a mixture of love, something we both knew well. You can't have one existing without the other. Pain was necessary, a feeling of despair that you can't shake off, followed by the sweet scent of passion. We were doomed form the starts…a forbidden fruit that had been finished before it reached it's master's mouth.

Yes, at that time…

At the time before L…

Light truly belonged to me and only me…

I would make sure that in the end, those feeling of his would return…

I released his body, getting up, turning my back to the water and shattered glass. I would make him believe I was Light, I would convince him. I would get close to him, share everything I could, and use this body to my disposal. Keep it healthy, keep it safe, for it was also Light's, and Light…was something I wanted more than anything.

I would kill L, using the only thing that mattered to him, and in the end I would be victorious.

Like I should have been from the beginning…

As is befitting of a God…

And I…I will…

"Consume everything…"

* * *

God, I know how short this was. I had like no time to write it seeing as I was exhausted all day yesterday. I hope this will keep you satisfied until the next update, which should be in a couple weeks depending on the unblocking of my computer or my muse. My parents believe it to be a, 'Bad Site' fueling other issues. _ Anywho, hope you all enjoy this small little filler. (Pathetic excuse for a chapter) I hope I haven't lost too many reviewers in my absense, so please, spread the love to let me know you're still there.

Seriously...I'm scared that I've been gone far to long...^^

Until Next Time - Lexi-Chan


	24. Chapter 23

Okay, so...somthing about this chapter is that it might be confusing for you to understand...No, it is not the last chapter, I would never leave it off here. Many of you might believe that this is Kira's end, but don't be so sure, I'm very creative with plotlines...^^ Anywho, I'm sorry for the long wait, I was home by myself today, so I was all like..."Hmmm...I should update my fanfiction." Thus, this chapter was made.

By the way, do any of you like Shizaya? I'm going to start a Durarara Shizaya fanfic in a couple days, or I might upload it later today if I get the first chapter done. I was just asking because I wanted to know if any of you fans would read it?

Anyways, on with the story! ^^

* * *

I Didn't Mean For Him To Get This Close

You can't always believe someone when they say…

They want you…

They need you…

They…love you…

Or else I would have already succumb to the love that L supplied me with…His touch, just as Light had described it so long ago, drove me to the deepest pits of blissful hell. I was convincing him, I was becoming what Light never was. I was becoming stronger. But…this man….this man who used to erase Light's fears was currently making my goal disappear.

I had to make myself believe I was Light, and by doing so, I had convinced L of my personality, thus after a month or two of feigning childish innocence in that damned cell, L let me out. This didn't mean his suspicion was lifted, no, not at all. Really now, how idiotic could Light act on a regular basis? It was becoming annoying to act so girlish. My Death Note was long gone, far out of my possession, but my fingers craved the familiar thrill of writing, of being the judge of these poor filthy souls that taint the world. Soon though, if I played my cards right, it would be within my grasp again.

I could tell that this world was rotting again in my absence. The news alone was enough to convince me of this. All those damned murders, all those who do dishonorable things and get away without a penalty. Yes, I was God, I was to become the person that destroyed trash such as them, it was what I was made to do in the first place. I sat on the couch, watching L as he popped a few, well…more like a dozen strawberries into his mouth.

"Would you like one, Light-kun?" I could tell he was testing me, and I was quick to acknowledge him. "I don't like sweets, Ryuzaki." No, I detested those things. He smiled lightly, "You pass that test, Light." He said simply, and I merely scoffed, distracting myself with the popcorn ceiling. No, it was not made of popcorn, but simply looked as if it were. I never truly understood such architectural designs, but I suppose that's why I chose to become God, not an architect.

L glanced back over at me, and I felt picked apart, I felt like he could see straight into my subconscious. I just tilted my head, staring back at him with flaring crimson eyes. I couldn't help it, he was just so…so irritating. Such a cruel distraction the world has put in my way, such a difficult thing to get rid of. "Light-kun…" L murmured, leaning forward, his breath ghosting over my cheek. He leaned close to my ear, though maintaining his usual way of sitting. "Why are your eyes so red, Light-kun?" I tried to pull away, but his body heat drew me in. I shifted, leaning against his shoulder.

I had to believe that I was just doing this because this is what Light would do, not because I wanted to, but he….he was just so warm. Closing my eyes, I sighed contently. "I don't know what you mean, Lawliet." His name rolled of my tongue easily, and I smirked at how he shivered unconsciously. "I believe Light-kun is lying to me once again." I chuckled, making sure to keep it even, almost like a bell. Light's laugh was different from mine; there was no madness in it.

"I'm not a liar, Ryuzaki." Well, of course, that was a lie. I knew L believed it to be a lie as well, from the way that his smile never faltered. "Maybe Light isn't, but Kira is." I moved, and I shouldn't have. If I hadn't moved, he would have never suspected anything. "That's true." I said as I turned my gaze to look at him. "Kira is the best liar of them all." L nodded in a agreement, a child-like curiosity in his eyes. "But, Light-kun, you're an expert liar as well aren't you? So much so that you can even beat Kira in a lying contest."

I had never felt more human than in that moment. My face heated up in anger and embarrassment, "Of course he could!" I yelled, defending myself, realizing suddenly how out of character I was. I was becoming human, and I couldn't allow that. I instantly calmed my features, placing back on my mask so no emotion could get through. Just dead, silent, straight-faced features… "Calm down, Light, I was just joking…" "I know." I whispered, feeling Light stirring though the restraints kept him from moving, slicing into his arms when he did so, fueling my waters with his blood.

I spotted it too far away, my sanctuary, my cure from being human. If I couldn't kill this man with the Death Note, I sure as hell could kill him with a knife. It was large and sharp, a decent knife for the job, a knife worthy of Kira. I slowly shook my head no, no, no…that simply wouldn't do. Reducing myself to human standards of killing, I couldn't possibly be that desperate, could I? I sighed, glancing back at L's face as he analyzed me. It was L's cake knife, and I believed him to be rather possessive of it.

"What are you thinking, "Light-kun?" He asked me simply, and I smiled, "Nothing." My smile though, was far too cruel to be Light's. He noticed this immediately as he leaned forward, pressing his lips to mine. All I could feel was that overwhelming warmth, the warmth that Light longed for. I tried to pull away, but he held me there, his gentle caress on my cheek. "I thought I told you to stop playing with me…Kira-kun." I stared at him as Light completely tore at his restraints. In the moment, I bolted up, gripping his cake knife with a sinister grin. "You won't take him away from me, L. I never will give him to you, not again." I threw it at him with sharp accuracy, but it missed its target of his heart, hitting him straight in the shoulder.

L looked at me with eyes as cold as frozen glass. "You won't succeed, Kira." He said simply, getting up and ripping the knife out of his shoulder. "I will tear you out of him as I promised. You never fooled me, this was just part of my plan…" My eyes widened and as soon as I could register what was going on, there was a sharp and utter pain in my chest. Had I been hit? I… Slowly, slumping forward, L's hand remained on the knife in my chest, my body resting against his arm. "Why…why would you kill Light…?" I asked simply, blood running out of my mouth. A God dying a human death…shit! This isn't right!

"I'm not killing Light…I'm killing you…" Those were the last world I heard before I slipped away, my mask breaking, showing my pain, my envy, and my utter despair. This wasn't made for me, I wasn't supposed to go this way. I was God, but I suppose…maybe I was too human to be God…I was to swept away with Light's emotions. To be done away with by my worst enemy…well not at the moment…this month I had felt real…I had made myself Light. So, it was okay wasn't it? To die in the arms of the person Light loved?

All I could think was…

'Why couldn't Light love me?'

* * *

*Cough* OMG there is this cat outside of my house that reminds me of Tsugaru and Shizuo. I went out, and just like Izaya, I was all like, "Shizu-chan!" And then...the cat came to me...strange huh? Epic...? I think so. ^^

Gah, school starts the 6th..._ Even less time to update...

Please hit the review button, each time it is hit, and a review is made, I am one step closer to world domination. :3


	25. Chapter 24

Why hello again everyone! ^^ Thank you all so much for the reviews, it made me want to update quickly, so ta-da here is another chapter. This one is sadly a bit shorter, but I think it might solve some interest in the whole Kira dying and Light living thing. Though don't think he's truly dead yet. Light may think he's gone, but at the same time, Light is his own worst enemy.

Thank you for the song suggestions, all were epic! ^^

Anyways, on with the story~!

* * *

Is There Anything…Left For Me?

This pain…it's unbearable…this feeling of dying… I had to wonder if I was even alive. I wondered if this is what hell felt like, this incessant feeling of destruction. It was as if…my body was being ripped to pieces. Kira's binds dug into my soul, seeming to tear my limbs apart, and I swore that I no longer had both my arms. I tilted my head, seeing something drift off in the seas of red. Maybe that was my left one…?

I couldn't piece anything together, but I knew one thing. I knew that Kira was sinking in his own trap. I could see his eyes in the water as he sunk passed me, a light smile on his face. I didn't know what was going to happen to me, but I reached out, grabbing his hand to prevent him from falling farther. His smile turned into a content grin, and the bind tore of my arm, seeing him drag it down with him. He held it to his face, hugging it tightly. I heard a voice echo through the sea, a loud ringing in my non-existent ears.

"Why couldn't Light love me?" Kira…why? What was this? The seas rose higher, shattering the glass that they were kept under. What was left of me was forced to float upwards, the binds tearing away whatever they could before my eyes met the light. It seemed like it was purposely blinding me, preventing me from seeing something that my heart felt I was never supposed to see. I saw it though, no matter how much my mind whished I hadn't.

Why was L hurting me? Why was L trying to cause me pain? I thought he loved me…I thought…Tears gathered in my eyes that seemed to fade by the second, rolling down my cracked cheeks, the skin peeling away as I stared at the image. Kira…Kira was…protecting me? No, that wasn't right…My heart burned in my chest, and I looked down to realize that I no longer had a chest at all. My heart was exposed, one whole side black, blood running down it's soft tissue.

Was this…the wound I had received? It seemed like the beat was slowing down, like it refused to keep going. Maybe this side was Kira…? Maybe this side was his to keep. I knew that you couldn't live normally with just one side of your heart…it just didn't work that way…and then…I felt it…

It tore in half, part of my organ sinking deep into the water, all the way to the bottom where Kira laid in wait. "Don't give it to him, Light!" I could hear a familiar voice screaming, "Don't let him have it!" I tilted my head, staring across the water's surface. "I can't move…" I whispered to this voice. "I can't do anything…" I was becoming non-existent, my mind slowly giving up into the pain. "Light…come home…please come back…" My eyes flashed open, I knew that voice!

I blinked away the tears that filled my eyes as I stared up at the white ceiling; curious as to what was happening. "Light…" It was L, and he was right here, he was sitting beside me. All I could think was the warmth he supplied me with. Though my arms were still unable to feel him, my heart felt him just fine. Which led me into a state of panic. I instantly pulled away, gripping my chest tightly, seeing the stitches that rested on my pale skin.

I didn't speak, and neither did he, allowing time to let itself be known. I glanced over at him, and he smiled at me, taking my shaking hand in his. "You're okay, Light. He can't hurt you anymore…" I blinked, wondering how my wound was possibly fixed. It suddenly clicked. He hit Kira's heart…he hit Kira's side…he tore it, that's all he did. There was horrible damage, but it wasn't anything that the doctors were completely unable to fix. Strangely enough, I couldn't feel Kira then anymore, though the image of him resting at the bottom of the bloody seas still flashed in my mind.

"Is he gone from your mind, Light? Can you hear him? I shook my head slowly, and closed my eyes, listening. There was nothing, just silence. L analyzed me, and I knew he was about to do the one thing that I missed most in the world. Leaning over, he kissed me softly, almost as if he was bringing life back into me. "I love you." I smiled, "I love you too." It seemed like we sat there, holding each other for eternity. He sighed softly, getting up to go talk to the doctors. However, he didn't know I could hear them.

"It was a psychological problem…his dissociative identity disorder seemed to disappear when it was triggered by pain to the part of the body that he believed his other personality seemed to harbor." The doctor said, and I winced. That was a lie…I didn't have a disorder…Kira was real…I know he was! L seemed to sighed, then he spoke. "I believed that to be the case, so I made the plan in the first place. Bring out his other identity to play, then get rid of it as quickly as possible."

I thought about that…I thought about that for quite a long time. The silence of the hospital room seemed to trap me within my thoughts. L had planned this…planned everything from the very beginning. From the very moment he knew that I was Kira. Did that mean that…this was all a game to him? That all these emotions he stirred in me were just pawns in making me more dependent on him? Is that why he told me he loved me? Is that why he 'cared'?

I flinched as the door opened, and L walked in, using his usual hunched style. He sat down on the chair beside the bed once again, but I couldn't even bring myself to look at him. He seemed cheerful enough, which was a strange emotion for even me to see on L's usually apathetic face. "The doctors said you can go home today? It's been a couple weeks, but they said you are just about fully recovered. Won't it be great to go home?"

No, no it won't.

Because knowing this…

This house is not a home…

It's a prison.

* * *

Well, there you go again my lovely humans. (Been watching too much Durarara for my own good...0-0) I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, though in Light's eyes at the moment L is evil. I would never think L is evil, he is justice anyway. Alrighty then, I hope to update again as soon as possible, it's just that all the reviews inspired me to update today!

If you review, I might just end up taking over the world afterall. (I'm about...three percent there...) MUHAHAHAHA! *Coughs* Eh...erm...review please...


	26. Ending, I Have Found Redemption

Well everyone, this is the final chapter in this fanfiction. It has been an amazing experiance to write this story, and I have grown imensly as an author through this. I hope you all enjoy this chapter, for I believe it to be an extremely beautiful ending to this. Thank you all for being there for me as I wrote this, and for all the sweet and kind reviews I have recieved. I hope to write another Death Note story in the future, but for now, this will be the end of I'm Not Who I Think I Am.

I honestly don't know what I could have done without all my reviewers, for you all made me feel like my writing was worth while, so I thank you so much for that.

Anyway, here is the final chapter, and I hope it fills your hearts with the happiness of this redemption that Light, after so long, finally recieves.

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Redemption Has Finally Come

I stared at L, watched him do his daily routine. Almost like everything was as it should be. Well, to him everything was. I guess for me this was also a strange sense of normal, a typical day that should have seemed so comforting to me…but it didn't. Not after I found out what L believed about me. Kira was real, I know it! I felt him crawl around inside my chest; take me captive in my own body. He was a soulless demon that stole someone's mind, a captor of memories whom wanted to play God over his captives. However…L stopped him.

He stopped the very thing I couldn't. It couldn't have been that simple…I don't have a disorder, I don't! All of this is just another game! I'm not even awake am I? I shifted on the couch, doing what I believed would get the real L, not this horrid copy, to wake me up. Screaming over and over like I used to not too long ago, waiting and waiting for my Lawliet to wake me up from this Kira-less nightmare.

It should have been heaven to me, but I couldn't comprehend it. This place I've been living in…surely Kira brought me here. He dragged me to this sweet haven to taunt me, to give me a taste of that delicious fruit I was never supposed to have. So then, this must be hell.

Have I finally reached the lowest of the low…?

Have I finally died along side Kira's legacy…?

I waited and waited for L to come rescue me, but all I received was L's fake, L's copy trying to calm me. I didn't want to be calmed by him. I didn't want him to touch me. Shutting off my screams I smacked his hands away, my eyes narrowed. "Don't touch me!" I yelled, my eyes flaring. He looked almost hurt as he took a step back, but the hurt changed to concern. "Light…" No…don't say my name like that.

Closing my eyes, I covered my ears, trying not to hear him. Don't say things like the real L, don't make me believe that you're him; you're nothing like him. I felt the couch sink on one side as L's copy sat down, slowly moving as if not to startle me. He pulled me to him so that I was resting against his chest, listening to his heartbeat slowly. He rubbed my back, and I felt lost to the touch, lost to the warmth that emanated off of his body.

Maybe for now I could let myself sink into the warmth of this copy. Maybe just for the moment I could believe that this was L. How long had it been since his strong arms had held me? How long had it been since I smelled his sweet scent. The scent of strawberries intertwined with our pasts. "I love you, Light." I heard him whisper, and I tilted my head, staring up at his panda like eyes. I convinced myself that this was L, that his imposter was far off, and I broke a light smile. "I love you too, Lawliet…" I whispered softly, casually, the words rolling off of my tongue.

It was true, I did love L. I loved him more than life itself. I loved him more than Kira loved being God; I loved him more than being Light Yagami. If the time ever came that I would need to sacrifice myself for him to be happy, just to see him smile once more, I would do it in a heart beat. Just to feel myself warmed by his presence one last time. Kira was gone now, L had slain him somehow, and the way he did so was far off in my mind.

What did it matter now…? Honestly, I have just received what I've always wanted since the beginning of my struggle. I've received the quiet peace that comes with being free. The peace of being with the one I love somewhere where we won't be judged.

And as all of this ran through my mind, I wrapped my arms around the body that I was resting on. His bones easily felt through his skinny form. This was my L, this wasn't a copy. No matter what he believed, I loved him. I loved him as a whole, everything included, his mind, his body, and his love.

I can't help, but feel like this is the ending to my own story. Like this is the final chapter in my book. The villain is gone, and is replaced by the knight in shining armor coming to rescue the distressed prince. Was that what I was? Just a distressed prince in need of saving? Heh, maybe I am. Maybe that's why L came to my rescue so quickly, because he'd always been a knight waiting for the right person to save.

"Thank you…" I whispered, surprised when the words slipped from my lips. He looked down at me, his eyes gentle, a soft tone to his voice as he returned mine. "For what?" "For everything." His eyes seemed to widen, though that might be because they were wide to begin with, and he smiled the kind of smile that melted my heart every time my eyes caught a glimpse of it. "I did it because I loved you, Light. I saved you because I needed you, because you're the only one I've ever wanted to save." I stared at him, the words setting in.

He saved me because he loved me.

He saved me because he needed me.

He saved me because I'm the only one that has ever mattered to him.

My heart shook, and tears ran over the brims of my eyes. I had never known this feeling, this feeling of strong emotions that ran through me. Love, joy, happiness…these feelings that I've never had the ability to feel before. A few black strands fell into his eyes as he moved to wipe my tears away, and in a sudden spur of the moment, with all these emotions rushing through me, I did something that I'll always remember till the day I die.

I kissed him.

A soft, passionate kiss filled with everything I felt in that very moment. A moment that I took a snapshot of, a moment that was going to last a lifetime in my heart.

And as I pulled away, that smile of his returned, bringing me farther into the light of this joy. As tears overwhelmed me, he held me tightly, both of us afraid to let go. We were afraid to shatter this peace that we've never had before, this feeling that our battle has finally ended. I was safe here, nothing could touch me. Not Kira, not death, not the darkness that had always engulfed me before. No, this time I wouldn't let it take me.

I knew in my heart that I would never let the devil take me away from L again.

Because the devil knew in his mind from the beginning of our game…

That in the end L would win…

And he knew that if he used me enough, and made me believe in him…

That L would try his best to save me…

And in that he would capture L in his downfall…

But L never fell.

The devil didn't know that L was an angel graced by God. That no evil may touch him for he is a savior, and in this, the devil had made a plan based off false accusations.

Much like I had done when I first met my angel.

But now my angel and I are together, and here we shall stay.

Until our souls return to the heavens again from where they had started, for in him I have found redemption.

For in him, I have truly been saved from the wicked ways of the devil.

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...Well, that's the end. I hope you all enjoyed this story that was such a pleasure to write, it was amazing to do so, truly amazing. I hope you all review this one last time, and let me know what you thought of this ending, if you were happy with it. I was happy with the way I wrapped it up, both L and Light deserved to find redemption in eachother after the struggles both of them have faced in their lifetimes.

Thank you all so much, and I'll see all of you later if you continue to read my stories.

Until the next story, - Lexi-Chan ^^


	27. Epilogue, The Life We Have Now

Thanks to all of you, I've decided that an epilogue is in order. I wanted to tell you how touched I was by all of your heart warming reviews, some of them so amazing that they left me with chills. Reader-anonymous, you have cetainly left me with a warmed feeling at how in-depth you went with your review. Anyway, I decided to write this for you, so that you may now where they arm now. Trust me, they are as happy as lovers can be. Maybe even happier.

Anyways, enjoy the final addition to I'm Not Who I Think I Am.

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_Epilogue_

5 Years Later

I stared out at the veranda, watching him sit down, bottle of beer in hand. "Light…" I murmured, worry evident in my eyes as I crept out through the large wooden doors. "Don't you think you've had enough of those recently." Light shook his head, and the sun reflect off of his smooth tan skin. Still so beautiful… "I think you have." I said sternly, taking the glass bottle away.

Light pouted, a look that made me want to give him the world if he just asked for it, but…the world was one thing, and bear was another. "I don't need an alcoholic boyfriend." I commented, and he huffed, turning away as he stared down at the wedding band on his ring finger. "Husband." He corrected me, and I smiled. "Yes, I don't need an alcoholic husband.

His eyes were soft, "I didn't mean to drink that much…" I smiled, "I know, I know." Ruffling his hair with love in my eyes, I sat the bottle down, closing my eyes as the sunlight warmed me. Maybe it was the sun, or maybe it was just Light's natural warmth. It was hard to tell, but he pulled me into a tight hug, forcing me to sit down beside him, sharing his lounge chair. "I love you." I smiled softly, "I love you to." He moved to kiss my cheek lightly, pulling away to stare up at the sky.

"It's such a beautiful day…" He murmured softly, his breath scented slightly by the alcohol. My nose crinkled in disgust, but I smiled sweetly. "Not as beautiful as you." He tsked, but his cheeks lit up, like small pink fireworks exploding on his cheeks. Yes, this is my Light. The Light that brightens my darkness, the Light that shines through the clouds. This is how it's been since that fateful day years ago, the day that we bonded officially, the day that we finally admitted how much our love meant to each other.

Not a word of Kira has been spoken in our household, no trace of him at all in Light's caramel eyes. I realized though, that without Kira, I would have never fallen in love with Light. Without Kira, we would have never reached this point. Staring at Light, I smiled softly, moving to kiss him thoughtlessly. It was soft, just to show him how content I was, but as I pulled away, words slipped from my lips. Not loud enough that Light could hear, but just enough that a Shinigami would know. "Thank you, Kira…"

I knew that was just the moment talking, that if I truly though it over, I would never thank that beast, but… It didn't matter anymore. We were together now, and no one could separate us. I'd seen how hallow Light was before, how empty his smile had been, but now, all of that has changed. As he smiles at me, I can see it, the happiness. The way his dimples move with his laugh, the childish ring that echoes with in it. Yes, Light was truly happy now, and it was all because of me. All because of something the world's greatest detective did. All because I saved him.

I reached over, pulling him into my arms, running my hands softly over his to feel the cool metal of the ring. "I can't imagine myself with anyone, but you." He glanced up at me, caramel meeting coal, and there was a hint of confusion there. He was still self-conscious, yes, you could tell by how envious he got when a girl looked in my direction. Lucky for him, others seemed to avoid me, but this, this envy didn't bother me one bit. It made me feel wanted, it made me feel needed…

It made me feel like he couldn't live without me…

And the way I smiled at him, the light that shined in his eyes when I did.

I could tell that I couldn't live without him either.

I pulled him to me, resting my chin atop his head, planting a kiss to his strawberry scented hair. "Forever and always, right Light-kun?" He chuckled at the honorific, and leaned up, kissing my lips for a fraction of a second. Though he pulled away shyly, I knew what it meant, and his unspoken words tingled on my lips.

"Forever and always, Lawliet…"

In that moment, I truly knew that no matter how many year would pass, Light would remain as beautiful as the day I met him, and I… I would forever be by his side to remind him of that, every moment of his life.

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I hope that a love like this walks into my life when I'm older, something as special as I imagine them having. Utter understanding of the other being. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this epilogue, I loved writing it, it made me smile at all the fluffy cute parts. I love all of my reviewers, and my readers, everyone that has been a part of the fan group for this story. I love you all! ^^ Thank you all so much for giving me the chance to write this adorable little part of my heart.

Thank you always, my lovely humans.

Love, Lexi-Chan. ^^


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